Hmmm, I can't seem to pick out an appropriate name for my blog. So don't mind me if I change it here in the beginning. If anyone is out there. I have: running to stand still now. Before this it was; quiet things, no one knows. & the one before that was; to wish impossible things. All titles to one tree hill episodes. Lines that also relate to what I'm going through. Now you ask why one tree hill? Well this is one of my favorite shows. Well actually it is my favorite has been for 9 yrs now. But the show means a lot to me, i relate to it in many ways. So thats why I want a blog title with something related to it. If anyone has an opinion on the title please let me know. Thanks. <3
Krystal
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Thursday, January 26, 2012
99 things about me.
I borrowed this little ditty here from fellow blogger Allison over at http://projectopenhearts.blogspot.com/ If you are struggling with IF and want a little hope, head over to her page. A real success story.. It's nice to know that some people are having success in this whole infertility struggle. For every success story you read, it gives us still struggling hope to hang on. Believe with all we have, and to NOT give up. Thanks Allie, and every other success story blog, for sharing your story for us still struggling. :-)
I can't really think of much to write about ATM, so that's why i am doing this quiz.
1: Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed? We took the doors off the closet. So open.
2: Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotel? HAHA yes, not to use it. Just as a souvenir.
3: Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out? Out, we always tuck the bottom in, but it never stays. Then it falls out and the dog eats the sheets. Sign such is life with a over hyper lab mix.
4: Have you ever stolen a street sign before? Nope
5: Do you like to use post-it notes? Not at home, but when i worked at my doctors office, all the time.
6: Do you cut out coupons but then never use them? yep, all the time.
7: Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of a bees? Neither please.
8: Do you have freckles? No.
9: Do you always smile for pictures? If I know someone is taking a picture of me.
10: What is your biggest pet peeve? gosh i don't even know ATM.
11: Do you ever count your steps when you walk? No
12: Have you ever peed in the woods? No i can't.
13: What about pooped in the woods? Nope
14: Do you ever dance even if there's no music playing? Not generally no, unless there is a song stuck in my head and decide to bust a move.
15: Do you chew your pens and pencils? No, kills my teeth.
16: How many different places have you fallen asleep this week? Just the bed.
17: What size is your bed? King, yet its still not big enough for me and hubby and our dog and 2 cats lol.
18: What is your Song of the week? I don't really have a song of the week. I love music, but don't have a specific song.
19: Is it okay for guys to wear pink? Only SOME guys can pull the whole pink thing off.
20: Do you still watch cartoons? No, i was never big on cartoons.
21: Whats your least favorite movie? If i don't like a movie, i won't watch it.
22: Where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some? Um, pretty sure i wouldn't say it on here, cause then it wouldn't be a secret.
23: What do you drink with dinner? Milk, or coke.
24: What do you dip a chicken nugget in? hot mustard, sweet and sour, ranch or BBQ. Depends on where they are from.
25: What is your favorite food? Spaghetti for sure. I'm a huge Italian fan!
26: What movies could you watch over and over and still love? Comedies mostly. I'm a huge romantic comedy fan. The hangover, friends with benefits, movies like that.
27: Last person you kissed/kissed you? Probably the animals, i am always loving on them. ha ha Sorry Husband.
28: Were you ever a boy/girl scout? nope
29: Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine? Hell no, unless i was offered an insane amount of $$. & no one would ever see it. LOL But no one would ever pay ME for that. haha
30: When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper? Not the slightest clue. Been a long time since i did that.
31: Can you change the oil on a car? Probably if i tried, but why try when you have a husband to do that kind of work? :)
32: Ever gotten a speeding ticket? Yup.
33: Ever ran out of gas? More then once, sadly. Ya i know...Don't even say it.
34: Favorite kind of sandwich? Club, or Ham sub from subway. Or an Italian sub from Julian Bros.
35: Best thing to eat for breakfast? I'm not big on breakfast food at breakfast time. I enjoy pancakes though.
36: What is your usual bedtime? Sometime after 8am lately. Can't seem to fall asleep early at all. Or ever lately. Incredibly annoying...
37: Are you lazy? I don't prefer to call it lazy, i call it selective working. :)
38: When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for Halloween? Many different things, witch, cheerleader, bunny, it was always different.
39: What is your Chinese astrological sign? Rat!
40: How many languages can you speak? 1, some words in other languages.
41: Do you have any magazine subscriptions? Nope
42: Which are better Lego's or Lincoln logs? Legos!
43: Are you stubborn? Very
44: Who is better...Leno or Letterman? Leno
45: Ever watch soap operas? Yep, days of our lives since i was about 10. That's the only read soap opera i watch. Rest are evening drama shows. Like my fav One tree hill.
46: Are you afraid of heights? Yes
47: Do you sing in the car? definitely
48: Do you sing in the shower? yea
49: Do you dance in the car? Occasionally
50: Ever used a gun? Yup my dad taught me to shoot a long time ago. With a riffle. Haven't in years though.
51: Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? Our wedding.
52: Do you think musicals are cheesy? YES
53: Is Christmas stressful? Ya it is.
54: Ever eat a pierogi? Yes i didn't really like it.
55: Favorite type of fruit pie? I don't like pie at all.
56: Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? meteorologist, Veterinarian, Psychologist.
57: Do you believe in ghosts? Yes
58: Ever have a Deja-vu feeling? Alot
59: Take a vitamin daily? When i remember. I always did when i was working. Harder to remember when you are home frequently.
60: Wear slippers? Sometimes.
61: Wear a bath robe? no
62: What do you wear to bed? tshirt, and really comfy pajama pants.
63: First concert? ZZ Top, I was forced to go with my mom and step dad at the time. But i got to go to my choice of concerts next. It was No doubt.
64: Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart? Walmart, most variety.
65: Nike or Adidas? Adidas
66: Cheetos Or Fritos? Frito's
67: Peanuts or Sunflower seeds? peanuts
68: Ever hear of the group Tres Bien? no
69: Ever take dance lessons? Ya when i was like 6. lol
70: Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing? Future spouse? Hmm
71: Can you curl your tongue? I could before i got my tongue pierced....
72: Ever won a spelling bee? No i was close though. When i was like 8.
73: Have you ever cried because you were so happy? Ya
74: Own any record albums? No
75: Own a record player? Yes, But its my dads now.
76: Regularly burn incense? No way man. I have horrible allergies, i cant stand them!
77: Ever been in love? Yea
78: Who would you like to see in concert? Linkin park again. Always put on a great show.
79: What was the last concert you saw? Linkin Park.
80: Hot tea or cold tea? I cant stand tea.
81: Tea or coffee? Coffee.
82: Sugar or snickerdoodles? chocolate chip
83: Can you swim well? Eh
84: Can you hold your breath without holding your nose? Yea but i choose not to.
85: Are you patient? Not at all.
86: DJ or band, at a wedding? I wanted a DJ, but we got a radio instead. Had a really small wedding.
87: Ever won a contest? Not that I can think of.
88: Ever have plastic surgery? No
89: Which are better black or green olives? Black
90: Can you knit or crochet? No
91: Best room for a fireplace? Living room.
92: Do you want to get married? Already did
93: If married, how long have you been married? 2 years on Feb 13th.
94: Who was your HS crush? Don't remember
95: Do you cry and throw a fit until you get your own way? I used to...
96: Do you have kids? sadly no, just 3 fur-babies. but its not without lack of trying.....
97: Do you want kids? Yes, ASAP.
98: Whats your favorite color? Blue
99: Do you miss anyone right now? ..................
I can't really think of much to write about ATM, so that's why i am doing this quiz.
1: Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed? We took the doors off the closet. So open.
2: Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotel? HAHA yes, not to use it. Just as a souvenir.
3: Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out? Out, we always tuck the bottom in, but it never stays. Then it falls out and the dog eats the sheets. Sign such is life with a over hyper lab mix.
4: Have you ever stolen a street sign before? Nope
5: Do you like to use post-it notes? Not at home, but when i worked at my doctors office, all the time.
6: Do you cut out coupons but then never use them? yep, all the time.
7: Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of a bees? Neither please.
8: Do you have freckles? No.
9: Do you always smile for pictures? If I know someone is taking a picture of me.
10: What is your biggest pet peeve? gosh i don't even know ATM.
11: Do you ever count your steps when you walk? No
12: Have you ever peed in the woods? No i can't.
13: What about pooped in the woods? Nope
14: Do you ever dance even if there's no music playing? Not generally no, unless there is a song stuck in my head and decide to bust a move.
15: Do you chew your pens and pencils? No, kills my teeth.
16: How many different places have you fallen asleep this week? Just the bed.
17: What size is your bed? King, yet its still not big enough for me and hubby and our dog and 2 cats lol.
18: What is your Song of the week? I don't really have a song of the week. I love music, but don't have a specific song.
19: Is it okay for guys to wear pink? Only SOME guys can pull the whole pink thing off.
20: Do you still watch cartoons? No, i was never big on cartoons.
21: Whats your least favorite movie? If i don't like a movie, i won't watch it.
22: Where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some? Um, pretty sure i wouldn't say it on here, cause then it wouldn't be a secret.
23: What do you drink with dinner? Milk, or coke.
24: What do you dip a chicken nugget in? hot mustard, sweet and sour, ranch or BBQ. Depends on where they are from.
25: What is your favorite food? Spaghetti for sure. I'm a huge Italian fan!
26: What movies could you watch over and over and still love? Comedies mostly. I'm a huge romantic comedy fan. The hangover, friends with benefits, movies like that.
27: Last person you kissed/kissed you? Probably the animals, i am always loving on them. ha ha Sorry Husband.
28: Were you ever a boy/girl scout? nope
29: Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine? Hell no, unless i was offered an insane amount of $$. & no one would ever see it. LOL But no one would ever pay ME for that. haha
30: When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper? Not the slightest clue. Been a long time since i did that.
31: Can you change the oil on a car? Probably if i tried, but why try when you have a husband to do that kind of work? :)
32: Ever gotten a speeding ticket? Yup.
33: Ever ran out of gas? More then once, sadly. Ya i know...Don't even say it.
34: Favorite kind of sandwich? Club, or Ham sub from subway. Or an Italian sub from Julian Bros.
35: Best thing to eat for breakfast? I'm not big on breakfast food at breakfast time. I enjoy pancakes though.
36: What is your usual bedtime? Sometime after 8am lately. Can't seem to fall asleep early at all. Or ever lately. Incredibly annoying...
37: Are you lazy? I don't prefer to call it lazy, i call it selective working. :)
38: When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for Halloween? Many different things, witch, cheerleader, bunny, it was always different.
39: What is your Chinese astrological sign? Rat!
40: How many languages can you speak? 1, some words in other languages.
41: Do you have any magazine subscriptions? Nope
42: Which are better Lego's or Lincoln logs? Legos!
43: Are you stubborn? Very
44: Who is better...Leno or Letterman? Leno
45: Ever watch soap operas? Yep, days of our lives since i was about 10. That's the only read soap opera i watch. Rest are evening drama shows. Like my fav One tree hill.
46: Are you afraid of heights? Yes
47: Do you sing in the car? definitely
48: Do you sing in the shower? yea
49: Do you dance in the car? Occasionally
50: Ever used a gun? Yup my dad taught me to shoot a long time ago. With a riffle. Haven't in years though.
51: Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? Our wedding.
52: Do you think musicals are cheesy? YES
53: Is Christmas stressful? Ya it is.
54: Ever eat a pierogi? Yes i didn't really like it.
55: Favorite type of fruit pie? I don't like pie at all.
56: Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? meteorologist, Veterinarian, Psychologist.
57: Do you believe in ghosts? Yes
58: Ever have a Deja-vu feeling? Alot
59: Take a vitamin daily? When i remember. I always did when i was working. Harder to remember when you are home frequently.
60: Wear slippers? Sometimes.
61: Wear a bath robe? no
62: What do you wear to bed? tshirt, and really comfy pajama pants.
63: First concert? ZZ Top, I was forced to go with my mom and step dad at the time. But i got to go to my choice of concerts next. It was No doubt.
64: Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart? Walmart, most variety.
65: Nike or Adidas? Adidas
66: Cheetos Or Fritos? Frito's
67: Peanuts or Sunflower seeds? peanuts
68: Ever hear of the group Tres Bien? no
69: Ever take dance lessons? Ya when i was like 6. lol
70: Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing? Future spouse? Hmm
71: Can you curl your tongue? I could before i got my tongue pierced....
72: Ever won a spelling bee? No i was close though. When i was like 8.
73: Have you ever cried because you were so happy? Ya
74: Own any record albums? No
75: Own a record player? Yes, But its my dads now.
76: Regularly burn incense? No way man. I have horrible allergies, i cant stand them!
77: Ever been in love? Yea
78: Who would you like to see in concert? Linkin park again. Always put on a great show.
79: What was the last concert you saw? Linkin Park.
80: Hot tea or cold tea? I cant stand tea.
81: Tea or coffee? Coffee.
82: Sugar or snickerdoodles? chocolate chip
83: Can you swim well? Eh
84: Can you hold your breath without holding your nose? Yea but i choose not to.
85: Are you patient? Not at all.
86: DJ or band, at a wedding? I wanted a DJ, but we got a radio instead. Had a really small wedding.
87: Ever won a contest? Not that I can think of.
88: Ever have plastic surgery? No
89: Which are better black or green olives? Black
90: Can you knit or crochet? No
91: Best room for a fireplace? Living room.
92: Do you want to get married? Already did
93: If married, how long have you been married? 2 years on Feb 13th.
94: Who was your HS crush? Don't remember
95: Do you cry and throw a fit until you get your own way? I used to...
96: Do you have kids? sadly no, just 3 fur-babies. but its not without lack of trying.....
97: Do you want kids? Yes, ASAP.
98: Whats your favorite color? Blue
99: Do you miss anyone right now? ..................
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Opening blog....Infertility sucks.
You know, all your life you're told that you fall in love, get married and then start a family. No where in that were we told that it may never happen. We are forced to believe that is what we do, and that's it. Nothing about how hard it will be or problems that may arise, hardships. Our parents act like we are not a gift. Like we are a burden alot of the time. I always thought that i would have children by now. Growing up i always wanted a family. My teenage years, i didn't much care for children. But who does at that age? But that changes as we get older. That desire for a child gets stronger and stronger. It doesn't matter where you are in life when you want to start having children. You want it, and you want it now. When it takes a few years through all the time you are trying, it just gets harder and harder to see everyone else we know having children. Not to mention the 16 year old that pop babies out like puppies. But us adults that are married and really WANT children CANT. Its bullshit. Now I'm not normally the kind of person that questions things. Well no i lied i am. I have always questioned everything, all the time. I always wondered why things are the way they are, and so on and so on. But now that I've been hit with this infertility bullet, i am questioning so much more. I am beginning to wonder about many things in life. It does not make sense to me that someone who wants and hurts for a child, cant have one. But people that don't want them are able to get pregnant and they abuse that privilege. They have abortions, or have the child and resent it for ruining their lives. A child is not something to take lightly it is a full time job, your life will change. But its all worth it. I may never know what its like to have a child, but i get to watch people take advantage and complain and complain about their kids and problems with motherhood, i want to slap them. GET OVER YOURSELF. It is heartless. But people are heartless, more often then not. Empathy is not something people have lots of or any for that matter. Its bullshit, life is bullshit.
That's pretty much how i am feeling lately. I will go into detail about it more later. But i am pissed. When i first started this journey i knew it wasn't going to be easy, but i didn't realize that the longer it goes on how the pain gets worse and worse. The imaginary things you have in your head keep getting worse. You imagine what it would be like to have a child. How you will tell your husband that you are pregnant, what colors to decorate the nursery, baby names. ya i have that all figured out. You watch all the baby shows about labor and delivery so when you go in to see your Dr you know what they are talking about. You research everything. & for what? Disappointment. In life you work for something and then you get it. Its that easy, but when you are doing everything that you can and for it to not happen, i don't understand that. I've never had things handed to me my entire life, I've had to work for everything i have. But you get a reward for all that work. All this work to have a child is not resulting in anything, but more and more disappointment. Insanity doing the same thing again and again and expecting different results. That's what this is. But when you want something that badly how do you just give up? You cant. Even though sometimes the heartache you get going through this journey, its hard to not just say I'm done, i cant do this anymore. But when you look at your life and think you may never ever know what its like to hold your own child in your arms, its breaks your heart and gives you the strength to keep going. Cause i cant fathom that, i just cant. It sucks. Infertility sucks.
Reading alot of other IF blogs, i now realize that i am in fact NOT alone in my journey. Even though most of the time you feel that you are. Not many people understand what you're going through, and that's not their fault. So i don't blame them. Sometimes the things that are said hurt more then help. Most of the time you have to bite your tongue to not lash out. Because you know its not THEIR fault. Granted they were trying to help, but sometime you just need to say I'm sorry and I'm here for you. That's it, cause are there really any words to help someone through this journey? No there aren't. IF is loss, grief, just like when you lose a loved one, there are not words to help get through that. This is similar. You are grieving over something you do not have. Or may never have. Its hard, and it sucks. So that's why i started this blog, to get things out that i cant seem to say. & hopefully find some friends that are going through the same thing.
Thanks anyone who is reading this. :)
That's pretty much how i am feeling lately. I will go into detail about it more later. But i am pissed. When i first started this journey i knew it wasn't going to be easy, but i didn't realize that the longer it goes on how the pain gets worse and worse. The imaginary things you have in your head keep getting worse. You imagine what it would be like to have a child. How you will tell your husband that you are pregnant, what colors to decorate the nursery, baby names. ya i have that all figured out. You watch all the baby shows about labor and delivery so when you go in to see your Dr you know what they are talking about. You research everything. & for what? Disappointment. In life you work for something and then you get it. Its that easy, but when you are doing everything that you can and for it to not happen, i don't understand that. I've never had things handed to me my entire life, I've had to work for everything i have. But you get a reward for all that work. All this work to have a child is not resulting in anything, but more and more disappointment. Insanity doing the same thing again and again and expecting different results. That's what this is. But when you want something that badly how do you just give up? You cant. Even though sometimes the heartache you get going through this journey, its hard to not just say I'm done, i cant do this anymore. But when you look at your life and think you may never ever know what its like to hold your own child in your arms, its breaks your heart and gives you the strength to keep going. Cause i cant fathom that, i just cant. It sucks. Infertility sucks.
Reading alot of other IF blogs, i now realize that i am in fact NOT alone in my journey. Even though most of the time you feel that you are. Not many people understand what you're going through, and that's not their fault. So i don't blame them. Sometimes the things that are said hurt more then help. Most of the time you have to bite your tongue to not lash out. Because you know its not THEIR fault. Granted they were trying to help, but sometime you just need to say I'm sorry and I'm here for you. That's it, cause are there really any words to help someone through this journey? No there aren't. IF is loss, grief, just like when you lose a loved one, there are not words to help get through that. This is similar. You are grieving over something you do not have. Or may never have. Its hard, and it sucks. So that's why i started this blog, to get things out that i cant seem to say. & hopefully find some friends that are going through the same thing.
Thanks anyone who is reading this. :)
Monday, January 23, 2012
First Blog
This isn't going to be much of a blog to start. But i will start posting more as i warm up to having a blog, and really talking about things that i am having trouble expressing. If that makes any sense. This blog will focus alot on my struggle through infertility and probably alot of rambling. But my first post is a story i found that actually made me tear up, and i don't generally cry. For reasons i will get into at a later date. But i leave you with this. I'm not sure where i found it, i emailed it to myself a while back, but it really really spoke to me....:)
Those that have their dessert are going on and on about how amazing the taste is. You smile, you are truly happy for them. Deep down you are anxious and their feelings only feed your curiosity and desire. Then you see the waiter again and think, "Ahhh, here he is." You notice that he starts handing out seconds and thirds to those that have already had their piece of cake. Your husband doesn't notice, he's busy chatting with the fellow next to him! Deep down though you get a sick feeling in the pit of your stomach. You know something is wrong, something is very, very wrong.
You ask the waiter, "Excuse me please. Where is my chocolate cake that I ordered"? The waiter just replies, "The baker has said that you must wait." He rushes off and not another word is said. Time goes on. You still enjoy the surroundings, the people and the conversations. All the while though, you can't get chocolate cake out of your mind. Time keeps creeping by and soon your husband notices too, "Where is our dessert?" You hold his hand and look into his loving eyes and think, "Even without chocolate cake, life is still good."
Time, however, creeps and it creeps. At moments it seems like it has even stopped. It's getting late and people are noticing you haven't received your dessert yet. Questions start arising and you just don't know how to respond. You look around other tables and notice that people are also getting their third, fourth and fifth servings of dessert. "Why" is all you have to lean upon.
You notice that others have ordered things for dessert besides chocolate cake. There is cherry pie, brownie ice cream sundaes, raspberry cheesecakes and such. They seem just as pleased, if not more pleased with their desserts and you wonder, "Should I order cherry pie too"? You talk to the waiter and he simply says, "I'm sorry ma'am, you just need to be patient and wait."
You are starting to burn inside. Despite all of your best efforts you are beginning to boil. You really want to jump on top of the table and stomp while shouting, "Where is my chocolate cake?" You don't though because you know that will get you no where! Instead you look around and notice that there are some that are refusing their chocolate cake. "It will make me fat" one says. "Ugh. I have enough already" another states. One woman, simply dumps her beautiful chocolate cake onto the floor.
As you look deeper around you, you notice there are a few others that are waiting too. Your heart goes out to them. You smile and wish there was something more you could do. You know their pain and it hurts. It really hurts.
Finally, the waiter comes and he has chocolate cake on that familiar beautiful silver platter...and he has enough for two. One for your husband and one for you! Your so elated with joy that you can't hardly stand it!!! You tell everyone at your table and they are just as happy for you. "We knew it would happen" they say. "You just needed to relax"! Little did they know that deep inside relaxing was the last thing you were feeling! You look at your husband. Tears are in both of your eyes. You carefully take a taste. It's such sweet, sweet perfection. You go to take another and just before you do the waiter comes and gently takes your plates away. "Something is wrong" he says. "Don't worry my dear, the time is soon."
There's confusion. Sadness. Anger. Above all though, you are just deeply and truly heartbroken. Heartbroken to the very core. You don't know what to do. You turn to others for support. They cry with you and too ask why. You take a deep breath and find the strength to go on. You have been given the promise that you will receive dessert. It is just not understood as to when. You decide to put your full trust in the baker. You reach far inside within yourself and find the effort to ask your husband to dance.
He looks at you and smiles..."Yes, I would love to dance with you my dear one." You both get up, leave the table and set off to dance.
As you are dancing, you get your bearings. You again begin to notice your surroundings. The beautiful surroundings that have so magically grabbed your attention in the first place. You remember the music, the sounds, the smell of the sweet flowers. You breath. That's all you can do. You breath and slowly begin to enjoy the moment again. Slowly, it all comes back to you. The things you love. Being with the person you love the most. The pains you have just felt are still there. Still vulnerable, but you feel life again. Yes, life is still good.
After quite a few dances, you both decide it's time to sit at your table. People still have their desserts and their chocolate cakes. Your space is still empty. You decide, however, to really focus on those around you. In doing so you find more joy. The desire for dessert is still there- but it's manageable. Time moves on.
Then suddenly, out of nowhere, your waiter appears. He has the biggest smile on his face. He is pleased to announce that you and your husband's dessert is finally here!! Your heart wells up with joy, but you're afraid too. You ask the waiter, "Will you take it away"? "No, this one was made especially for you."
You smile back, hardly believing that this could be true or real. You look at it and it's not a dessert you have ever seen before. It's then that you realize that the baker has made a dessert with all of your favorite colors and flavors. Careful detail was lovingly taken into every consideration. "How did He know that this is exactly what I wanted"? The waiter just smiles and says, "Because he knows and loves you." If you look, you can see him there. You look and at the door, through the little round window you see a gentle man with tears in his eyes. He is grinning from ear to ear and looking at you and your husband. You can't hardly see anymore because of all of the happy tears. You whisper a big "Thank You" and in your heart you feel that this simple phrase will never be enough.
You look at the people around you, they too have tears in their eyes. They too are smiling from ear to ear. Everything is so precious and tender now- even more so than when you first arrived here. It's then that you learn that the pains you have felt all along the way. The waiting, the crying, the agony. It's all been a special recipe to make this moment this much more wonderful and sacred.
In your soul you take a deep breath and slowly let out a big sigh of gratitude.
You grab your husband's hand and sigh again, "Yes, life just couldn't get any better."
Chocolate Cake
Imagine yourself dressed up in your finest clothes. You and your sweet husband are attending a dinner together in one of the nicest restaurants in town. You both have planned, waited and saved for this evening. To say the least, you are very excited! You and your husband arrive and the atmosphere is more than you expected. Everyone around you is having a good time. The chandeliers are sparkling, candles are glowing and sweet soft music is playing in the background. To your pleasant surprise you see others there you know. You are seated with them and in your heart you think there just couldn't be anything better!
The table is just exquisite. Breathtaking really. The people at your table begin to talk to you in jolly conversation. You glance at the menu and you don't even know where to begin! You look over everything slowly and carefully, especially the dessert menu! All of your life you have been hearing about this restaurant's marvelous and divine desserts. Deep in your heart, you have been looking forward to enjoying dessert the most!
Everyone at your table orders their food. For dessert they all order chocolate cake. You think, "Hey that sounds perfect. I'll have chocolate cake too please."
The waiter nods in approval and quickly swifts off to put in your order. In the meantime, you are still enjoying the surroundings, the music and the company. You grab your husband's hand and sigh "Yes, life just couldn't get any better."
The food comes and everything looks just pleasing. Some of the things you tasted you really love, some of the things you didn't. Either way, you know that dessert is on its way. That thought in and of itself is just exciting! Then you see him, your waiter! Your wonderful, blessed waiter with a silver tray full of plates of chocolate cake! He comes and starts handing out plates to those you know. You look at the cake and to put it simply, it looks just divine. You're even more excited now! The waiter comes to your side and then passes you and your husband. You are shocked and think there must be some mistake. you don't know what to do, but rather than make a fuss you think, "Just wait, I will get my chocolate cake soon too."Imagine yourself dressed up in your finest clothes. You and your sweet husband are attending a dinner together in one of the nicest restaurants in town. You both have planned, waited and saved for this evening. To say the least, you are very excited! You and your husband arrive and the atmosphere is more than you expected. Everyone around you is having a good time. The chandeliers are sparkling, candles are glowing and sweet soft music is playing in the background. To your pleasant surprise you see others there you know. You are seated with them and in your heart you think there just couldn't be anything better!
The table is just exquisite. Breathtaking really. The people at your table begin to talk to you in jolly conversation. You glance at the menu and you don't even know where to begin! You look over everything slowly and carefully, especially the dessert menu! All of your life you have been hearing about this restaurant's marvelous and divine desserts. Deep in your heart, you have been looking forward to enjoying dessert the most!
Everyone at your table orders their food. For dessert they all order chocolate cake. You think, "Hey that sounds perfect. I'll have chocolate cake too please."
The waiter nods in approval and quickly swifts off to put in your order. In the meantime, you are still enjoying the surroundings, the music and the company. You grab your husband's hand and sigh "Yes, life just couldn't get any better."
Those that have their dessert are going on and on about how amazing the taste is. You smile, you are truly happy for them. Deep down you are anxious and their feelings only feed your curiosity and desire. Then you see the waiter again and think, "Ahhh, here he is." You notice that he starts handing out seconds and thirds to those that have already had their piece of cake. Your husband doesn't notice, he's busy chatting with the fellow next to him! Deep down though you get a sick feeling in the pit of your stomach. You know something is wrong, something is very, very wrong.
You ask the waiter, "Excuse me please. Where is my chocolate cake that I ordered"? The waiter just replies, "The baker has said that you must wait." He rushes off and not another word is said. Time goes on. You still enjoy the surroundings, the people and the conversations. All the while though, you can't get chocolate cake out of your mind. Time keeps creeping by and soon your husband notices too, "Where is our dessert?" You hold his hand and look into his loving eyes and think, "Even without chocolate cake, life is still good."
Time, however, creeps and it creeps. At moments it seems like it has even stopped. It's getting late and people are noticing you haven't received your dessert yet. Questions start arising and you just don't know how to respond. You look around other tables and notice that people are also getting their third, fourth and fifth servings of dessert. "Why" is all you have to lean upon.
You notice that others have ordered things for dessert besides chocolate cake. There is cherry pie, brownie ice cream sundaes, raspberry cheesecakes and such. They seem just as pleased, if not more pleased with their desserts and you wonder, "Should I order cherry pie too"? You talk to the waiter and he simply says, "I'm sorry ma'am, you just need to be patient and wait."
You are starting to burn inside. Despite all of your best efforts you are beginning to boil. You really want to jump on top of the table and stomp while shouting, "Where is my chocolate cake?" You don't though because you know that will get you no where! Instead you look around and notice that there are some that are refusing their chocolate cake. "It will make me fat" one says. "Ugh. I have enough already" another states. One woman, simply dumps her beautiful chocolate cake onto the floor.
As you look deeper around you, you notice there are a few others that are waiting too. Your heart goes out to them. You smile and wish there was something more you could do. You know their pain and it hurts. It really hurts.
Finally, the waiter comes and he has chocolate cake on that familiar beautiful silver platter...and he has enough for two. One for your husband and one for you! Your so elated with joy that you can't hardly stand it!!! You tell everyone at your table and they are just as happy for you. "We knew it would happen" they say. "You just needed to relax"! Little did they know that deep inside relaxing was the last thing you were feeling! You look at your husband. Tears are in both of your eyes. You carefully take a taste. It's such sweet, sweet perfection. You go to take another and just before you do the waiter comes and gently takes your plates away. "Something is wrong" he says. "Don't worry my dear, the time is soon."
There's confusion. Sadness. Anger. Above all though, you are just deeply and truly heartbroken. Heartbroken to the very core. You don't know what to do. You turn to others for support. They cry with you and too ask why. You take a deep breath and find the strength to go on. You have been given the promise that you will receive dessert. It is just not understood as to when. You decide to put your full trust in the baker. You reach far inside within yourself and find the effort to ask your husband to dance.
He looks at you and smiles..."Yes, I would love to dance with you my dear one." You both get up, leave the table and set off to dance.
As you are dancing, you get your bearings. You again begin to notice your surroundings. The beautiful surroundings that have so magically grabbed your attention in the first place. You remember the music, the sounds, the smell of the sweet flowers. You breath. That's all you can do. You breath and slowly begin to enjoy the moment again. Slowly, it all comes back to you. The things you love. Being with the person you love the most. The pains you have just felt are still there. Still vulnerable, but you feel life again. Yes, life is still good.
After quite a few dances, you both decide it's time to sit at your table. People still have their desserts and their chocolate cakes. Your space is still empty. You decide, however, to really focus on those around you. In doing so you find more joy. The desire for dessert is still there- but it's manageable. Time moves on.
Then suddenly, out of nowhere, your waiter appears. He has the biggest smile on his face. He is pleased to announce that you and your husband's dessert is finally here!! Your heart wells up with joy, but you're afraid too. You ask the waiter, "Will you take it away"? "No, this one was made especially for you."
You smile back, hardly believing that this could be true or real. You look at it and it's not a dessert you have ever seen before. It's then that you realize that the baker has made a dessert with all of your favorite colors and flavors. Careful detail was lovingly taken into every consideration. "How did He know that this is exactly what I wanted"? The waiter just smiles and says, "Because he knows and loves you." If you look, you can see him there. You look and at the door, through the little round window you see a gentle man with tears in his eyes. He is grinning from ear to ear and looking at you and your husband. You can't hardly see anymore because of all of the happy tears. You whisper a big "Thank You" and in your heart you feel that this simple phrase will never be enough.
You look at the people around you, they too have tears in their eyes. They too are smiling from ear to ear. Everything is so precious and tender now- even more so than when you first arrived here. It's then that you learn that the pains you have felt all along the way. The waiting, the crying, the agony. It's all been a special recipe to make this moment this much more wonderful and sacred.
In your soul you take a deep breath and slowly let out a big sigh of gratitude.
You grab your husband's hand and sigh again, "Yes, life just couldn't get any better."
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