Judgement

It's been a while since I have written anything. I just wanted to write a little something. Things around here have been very very tough. Christmas is next week, thanksgiving was last month. The holidays without my dad have been extremely hard. I don't want to celebrate, what is there to celebrate this year? I lost my heart. 

I was watching Long Island medium as I usually do. & I know this might get cryptic . But she was talking to a sister who had found her sister dead. They were mentioning, I can't remember exactly what was said. But Theresa was talking to them about how the sister who passed away said about her sister that found her, that nothing could ever explain the absolute devastation she felt in that moment when she found her. And that about sums it up. They went Into details about it. And I'm right back there. I can't stop thinking about it. I try so hard not to. But it's a constant memory. One I wish I could remove. And Theresa was exactly right, nothing or no one will ever understand that devastation in that moment. The feeling, there's no explaining that. There's no way too. And u can ask people to try and imagine how bad that would be, if that happened to them. If that was their dad. But most people can't. & that brings me to the other part of my blog I wanted to talk about. 

Judgement, for things I have done since I lost my dad, how I've handled his estate, how I've handled things. No one, no one will ever understand what I have gone through since I lost my dad. I am an only child, my dad was never married. So everything, every decision, every action had to be done by me. My dad didnt have a will. Many people don't. I never thought he'd be going anywhere anytime soon. If I could have had it my way I would have died before him. I couldn't imagine a life without my dad in it. I don't know what this is, but it's not my life. My old life is gone. Replaced by a whole new way of living. So much of my life was built around my dad. I don't even know what way is up. Anyways, I am doing the best that I can here. I wish more people understood that. This is hard as hell living without him. With that said, if u have a problem with anything I am doing, keep it to yourself. It is none of your business. I don't need to hear it. Until you are faced with a similar situation. Which I hope no one else is. Don't talk to me about how I am wrong. You have no idea what I am going though!! 

Krystal 

How?

How is it I am living in a world without my dad in it? How am I still here? Why? I'm focusing all my energy into remodeling his house, for him. I know he's not there to live in it. But it needs to be perfect for him. I miss him so much, I can't even explain it. I can't understand it, and I don't want to believe it. It's been 7 months since I saw him. I just can't fathom him truly being gone. 

That's all I can muster today. 

Father's Day rant

I can't fuc***** handle the Father's Day stuff all over. I see it in stores, on fb, commercials. I can't handle it. Father's Day I always did something special for my dad. He usually got 3 cards because I could never decide, so i got them all, they all represented how much he meant to me. he would call them books cause they were the long cards. They always made him tear up. I just saw a post on fb about it hence why I'm ranting here.

 I saw a picture frame in meijer 2 weeks ago and it said world best grandpa and worlds best dad and I wanted to smash them On the ground and almost started to cry. He never got the chance to have his picture in a grandpa frame. & that breaks my heart. When and if me and Chris have children they will never know how great my dad was. They will never know him. He was amazing with kids. This breaks my heart. For me, for him, for my future kids if that ever happens. Wake me up when June ends, in the mean time ill be sleeping in a dream world where my dad is still here and I am not almost at the point of a nervous breakdown. I am so broken. & I feel so very alone. So very alone. I told my dad everything, he was always there, it's been almost 3 months. They say its supposed to get easier but it is getting worse and worse. I don't know how to keep going on......

Krystal 

It gets easier....not.

They say after you lose someone you love that it gets easier as time goes by. But that is bullshit. The more time goes on the more I miss my dad. The more it becomes real that he's truly gone. I can't sleep at all now because all I do is question what happened and why it happened. I have no closure. And having to deal with everything alone in his house. & going through and throwing away his things is very very hard. It's time like this I wish I had a sibling. Someone who understood what I was going thru. I'm finding it very hard to throw away his things. Even if it is just "junk". But it is a part of him. It was his junk. I don't want to throw his stuff Away, I don't want to admit this is real. I still can't go in the living room where I found him. I'm worried about what will happen. I don't think I will handle it well At all. 

I miss my dad more and more each day. It becomes more real everyday and then I just shake my head and say it can't be real. It just can't be. I can't focus on anything else, cause what does it matter he's not here to see it. I know death is a part of life. But this should not have happened. There's no reason for this. This was not his "time". I wish so badly I would have made him go to the hospital. I wish I could go back and go down there Wednesday and say we're going to the er. Why didnt I? Why? I can't get the what ifs the whys out of my head. I wish I could go back, I wish I could go back so badly. Make things right again. Bring him back where he belongs. Here with the family, and here with me. I don't like and can't handle this world without him in it. 

I can't do anything without it. & I am keeping it all inside. I can't cry in front of others. I just keep it all to myself. When I want to cry and cent I don't I just keep it hidden. I do it alone. 

That's all for now. Need to try to go to sleep. 

Krystal 

2 months...

Today at right about this time was the last time I spoke to my dad. Had I of known that it would be the last time, I can't even begin to tell you everything I would have said, what I would have done to save him. He's been gone for 2 months now. Even though we don't know Exactly when he passed away. It was anytime between 7am march 6th and 9am march 7th when I found him. & I will never know. I'll never know what happened. I am having an extremely hard time accepting that he is gone. That I will never speak to him again. That I will never see him again. I just don't understand it at all. I know they say you need to go on after you lose someone but I'm finding that very hard right now, cause what's the point? He was the one I called about everything. If anything good happens I called him first, same think if anything bad did. Who do I call now?

I keep saying I need to find a way to move on. But what's the point? Does it even matter? Nothing does without him. If I go on and succeed at my dreams, he won't be here to see it. If I ever end up having children he won't be here to see them. They will never meet him. He would have been the best grandfather out there. He was amazing with kids. Completely amazing. He couldn't wait for me to have. Children. Now I don't see the point. Everything is changed. Time keeps moving forward and I'm still standing still. I still feel like I'm in some sort of a nightmare that I just can't wake up from. Everything is so surreal.

They say live your life with no regrets. I am being overloaded with regret. Guilt. It's taking over me. Each day goes by ok, until that moment where I hear his ringtone on my phone in a public place, or on a TV show and it just stops u right in your tracks, and u remember it & it feels like someone put a dagger in your heart. Or you want to do something, or I want to tell him something and I remember I can't and the pain is getting too much to take. Its overwhelming.

What does it matter without my dad, does anything anymore? Cause I don't think so.
Miss you so much dad. Love you.

Until next time,
Krystal

Not dealing

Well, I've been trying to get by lately by not thinking about what happened. And it's been working well. But then it all comes back. I have alot to do to get my dads house cleaned out and ready to go in. & every week I say I'm going to work on it this weekend and go back inside, then the weekend comes and I can't face it. Everyone is offering to go in and get started without me, but I don't want anyone going in without me. I want to look around and see if I can find out what happened. I need answers. I need to know what happened. I just can't quit thinking about it. I can't keep thinking and wondering had I of just done something more he would still be here.

Going Into his house and going thru his things makes this all real, it makes it final, and I'm not ready to accept that now. Maybe never. I can't face this. I know I have to. But I just can't. I have to face that I found him. i have to face that he's really gone. I have to face everything & I don't want to. Ever. It's too much. I can't see past where I am now and where I go from here. How do I live without him? How do I face all that has happened. I know alot of people are saying they'll go in without me. But I don't want that. I worry people might do it without even telling me. I don't want that and I can't be pushed too hard. I may never get the answers I need. But I want to try. Maybe I will see something in his house that will give me a clue to something. There's so much that doesn't make sense about any of this.

It doesn't seem real still. I feel like time is moving but I'm still standing still. I don't know how to live, I don't know how to be. I know I need to work on his house and get things cleaned and cleared out. But I can't imagine going into the house and him not being there. I get to the driveway and I freeze, I can't even get out of the car anymore. I am just frozen there. I'm trying to get the courage to face it. But I don't know how. I wish people would just back off. When I am ready I will let them know.. I am very grateful for everyone who wants to help. But I just can't yet. & if anyone goes in there without my consent I will be extremely upset. I'm so lost right now, and I can't face it. I don't want to. I don't know what I'm going to do. We have to be out of here soon, and I know we have to get things moving. But I just can't.

Krystal

So much...

I'm trying with huge pushes from family to get things done about my dads estate I guess it's called. Which he didn't own much. So it's not really an estate. But I guess that's what they call it. Either way that's neither here nor there. Anyways everyone wants me to get things done now, quit waiting. But I can't, because if I do then I have to accept that he is really gone. And I don't think I can ever accept that. But I know I have to. But I have no idea what to do and it's hard to do all the calling and everything when you can barely speak about it without wanting to crawl into a hole. My dad did not have a will or anything, like many people. So from what I've managed to google is just ridiculous to find out about. My husband called the probate court yesterday to did out what I should do and they were USELESS! I just wanted to get this out. How I am supposed to do everything when I don't even want to be alive? I don't want to live on a world where my dad isn't in it. I'm hurting very badly. I just want to run away, seriously. Just get away from it all. I can't handle this. I know I have to, but I feel like I'm About to break into pieces. Luckily my aunt Kaye and husband are willing to help me with calls and such. Otherwise I don't know what id do.

I know we all go through losing a parent at one point in our life. But I'm only 28, I should have had my dad for more time! I don't feel like it was his time like some people say. It makes no sense. He was so young spirited, he was in good physical shape. I was supposed to have him longer! He was supposed to see his grandchildren one day. He was supposed to see me succeed at SOMETHING in my life. He had so many more stories to tell. So many things I could have asked him. It just isn't right!!

I can't even close my eyes to sleep without seeing him lying there when I found him. & that's another thing the pushing to get in the house and start throwing stuff away. I don't know how I will. I just need some time. Everytime my husband goes there to check on things and drop the dog off. As soon as he opens the door and I see it from the car I get chest pains, racing heartbeat, can't breathe. Same happens at home when I start thinking about how he's never coming back. But when I try to sleep the image is in my head, then the why's what if's, guilt, regret, etc sets in. I blame myself for what happened. I should have done more to make him go to the ER . I can't get over it. The whys the what ifs they haunt me all day and all night long.. &

I have moments when I feel like things will be ok I will finish my classes and go on for my dad because that's what he would want. But then this wave crashes over me and I realize wtf does it even matter if he's not here to see it? To support me? Then the nothing matters without my dad here sets in. So it just goes back and forth. I feel like I'm Here but I'm not here. This all still doesn't seem real. It all still seems like a bad dream. It's been 3 weeks today since I last talked to my dad. & tomorrow will be 3 weeks since I found him. I just sit around and stare. Or keep my brain occupied with games on my phone and watching TV. But then when a silent moment comes I can't handle it!! This isn't right.

Alright I'm going to go. I miss you so much dad, I don't know how I'm going to go on. I just don't know.

Thanks for anyone who read this. I don't even know If it made any sense but I just needed to get some stuff out. Thanks.

Krystal

How?

How are you supposed to go on without the ones you love? How? I'm trying so hard to be strong. But I am failing miserably when I am alone. I am being pushed and pulled in every direction possible and I feel like nobody understand that I just need some time. I know I have alot to do with my dads house and cars, and everything else. But I need people to quit pushing me! I feel like I am going to lose my mind already. I haven't even come to terms that he is gone yet. How am I supposed to do everything else. I just want to scream and cry at everyone. I can't keep being pushed in every direction. I can't handle this.

I'm trying my hardest to figure out how the hell I am supposed to live and go on without my dad. I don't even know how that is possible. I have so much guilt, shock, regret, pain. Unimaginable pain. I am having panic attacks everytime I think of him. I get angry, I want to scream. How can someone take someone that was so good to so many people and leave so many assholes left on this planet? It's not fair it's not right and it's just plain wrong. This wasnt supposed to happen! And I know everyone says there's a reason for everything but someone please tell me what the reason for this is? There is none! He was too good of a person, he had so many years left.

Just thinking and realizing as I type that he's not coming back and seeing him in the floor, makes my heart race, my chest starts hurting and I can't breathe. This all does not seem real. How can It be? I can't sleep. All I see is him how I found him. I can't handle it. I can't handle this pain anymore. I know people are trying to help but what I need is some time. Nothing will ever be the same again without my dad. Nothing. He was the circle of everything. He was everything. So many questions I didn't ask him. So many things I didn't say. So many things I didn't do. I don't know how I'm supposed to go on. & I know people say time heals all wounds and you learn to go on. & I know that's true It happened when my Momow passed away. But right now where I'm at right now. I can't see anything past right now. I can't see anything without my dad in my life & I don't want to. He was the best dad in the world. I can't go on without him. I just cant.

Horrible

I don't even know where to begin, or if I can even write it out. This past week has been something out of a horror movie. My dad passed away last week. I am in an insane state of shock. I can't believe what happened. I can't understand it. I have never been this heart broken. I was the one who found him. I will go into details later. He was only 59. I am only 28, I should not be burying my father this young. He was the best man I know. He did everything for everyone. I just can't understand it. Funeral was Monday and I've just been laying around the house in complete disbelief that he is gone. I am blaming myself. I have so much guilt inside right now. I don't know how I am supposed to live without my dad. Everytime I think that he is gone my heart starts to race, I get pain in my chest and can't breathe. I just can't understand it. Why do bad things happen to good people? WHY?? I am so fucking angry I am angry at the world. I am devastated, angry, about every emotion that exists. He never hurt a fly. He had such a kind soul and such a young soul. He did not act like he was in his 50's he acted like he was in his 20's. he had these stories he would tell that just made u laugh. He was the best father I could have ever asked for. I was extremely lucky. But I was supposed to have him longer. I just can't understand why. I can't even put my feelings into words for anyone. I can't talk about it. I can write about it but I can't verbalize it. It just doesn't seem real. It just can't be. It just can't. I can't imagine the rest of my life without him. He was such a huge part of my life. I was always daddy's girl. & I don't know what to do now. I don't know, I just don't know. I don't know anything anymore. Why? Why? Why? That's all I can even say for now. Nothing matters anymore nothing. & I mean NOTHING. All the hopes and dreams I had, they are gone. They all mean NOTHING without my dad here with me to see them. I am broken.

Not even editing this.

Rant

I apologize in advance for anyone reading this, its a very whiny rant. Really struggling right now....

One of the hardest things in dealing with infertility is watching EVERYONE and i mean EVERYONE else you see, experience something you want so badly. It seems the more you are aware of something the more you notice it. Everywhere i turn, whether its on facebook, TV commercials, TV shows. Friends, family. Everywhere, there is someone announcing a pregnancy, a birth, talk of their babies. All the things i long for. I am not mad or anything at the people who are able to have kids. Not at all. Jealous, of course. But i don't feel hate or anything for them. They're very lucky. So don't get me wrong (anyone reading this with kids), just don't take them for granted. Because alot of people out there would die for what you have.  But everywhere you turn you find out someone else is pregnant, even right now as i typed this I'm watching e news and theres a celebrity announcement. See i tell you, every minute. It's like a dagger to my heart that i cant have that. Reading post talking about the most amazing feeling in the world is having a child. Feels like someone stabbed me. The hardest is not anyone understanding what you're going through. That gets me alot. Because its rare to find anyone who really knows what you're going through. No one should have to walk on eggshells  around me or anything. Just be a bit more sensitive. Maybe ask how i am doing. But seems no one does. Family wont even acknowledge what is going on. All i hear is when the time is right. Well, ya that's not exactly helpful at all. Sometimes, I'm sorry just goes a long way. But basically after hearing my diagnosis all i hear from anyone is well I'm glad its nothing serious. Well it is to me. Its a huge deal. I basically heard what makes me feel like my whole future is worth NOTHING. That's how it feels to me. Makes me wonder why i am here. Because this is the best it will get for me. Unless i have enough money, and no one can bank on having enough money to do the procedure before time is out. Its not like women have forever to wait. How come getting pregnant comes so easily to so many, but for me it will most likely never happen naturally? Only if we have enough money to MAKE it happen. Just doesn't seem right, or fair. Whatever. I cant really explain a time when I've felt more alone. I feel like i don't really have anyone to talk to. My husband doesn't understand what I'm going through. My dad wont even really talk about it. Which that's just how he is, he makes jokes about everything and just doesn't address really serious things. Even though i do think he is more of the more sensitive men out there. But i don't think men of any kind really know what to say, or do. I don't talk to my mom very much, so i def wont turn to her. Best friends all have kids, so they try to understand, but cant really understand. I don't blame anyone, and i am not mad at anyone for not really understanding. I am just ranting here. I do get quite a bit annoyed with my husband, but i think that's normal. & that goes further than this. LOL OK sorry for the rant. Just don't really know the point of this post is but just needed to get this out.

On another note, today would have been my momow's 94th birthday. Happy birthday momow, i miss you more than anything. I miss spending your birthday with you every year, i miss shopping for the best gift for you. Usually something homemade. Something to show you how much you mean to me. Miss you. Love you.

It is also my best friends daughters 2nd bday! They sure grow up fast!

Thanks for reading, tomorrow is my anniversary. 3 years, 3 drama filled difficult years, outlook looks like we're in for a rough road.

Thanks for reading,
Krystal

Choices, Momow. Regret.

Do you ever look at your past and wonder, if you would have taken a different path. Made a different choice, how different life might be right now? Everything you do in your life gets you right where you are now. Many people are happy with where they are now. But I am not. I am stuck wondering about how different things might be, had I made some different decisions. & not about any one thing In particular. Just many different decisions in the last 12 years.

I've been thinking alot about Momow lately. Alot more than usual. I miss her more and more as time goes by. Lately I have been having so many memories of her just flood into my head. I dream about her all the time. I know that time heals all wounds, but this wound seems to be getting deeper and deeper the longer It gets. She was an incredible woman and the best Momow I could ever ask for. I still can't believe she's gone. It will be 6 years this September. Sometimes I will just be able to place myself into her house, standing in her kitchen. Remembering every little detail of her house. I see us sitting on the couch visiting and talking like we always did. Or at the kitchen table. I hear her voice, I hear the things she says to me. It's like it was yesterday. Then I realize I will never have that again. It's like I am just now realizing what happened. And that she's really never coming back. I don't think I ever dealt with her death before, I always avoided it. Because the realization is just too hard to bear. I wish I would have spent more time with her towards the end. I try to pinpoint the last time I saw her. I usually saw her every week a couple times a week. But things are getting foggy. I called her every day to make sure she was ok, no matter what. I didn't miss a call for years. But I wonder if the night she went into the hospital and never came back out. I can't remember if I talked to her that night. I know I was sick. That much I remember, but did I call to check on her? This has always bothered me. I miss her like crazy. & I really really need her right now. Her guidance, her advice, her believing in me. She's the only one who did. She was my biggest supporter. I loved her more than anything, & now that I'm going thru some very hard stuff with the infertility, I need her now more than ever. But I know she can't be here. I just hope she's looking down on me and even if she can't be with me in the physical world. I hope she's with me spiritually. I sure wish she could send me a sign. I love u Momow. & I am missing u more than words can say. <\3

Love, Krystal

Surgery & Results

Hey everyone,

Hang in there with me, this post is all over the place.....

Sorry for the late response on surgery i haven't really felt like lashing it all out, I'm finally starting to feel myself again. About time i tell ya! Anyways, so lets start with the surgery. I went in for the surgery on the 8th. Got there early after only prob 2 hours of sleep. My husband and dad went with me. They called me back, gave me an EKG then left me sitting there worrying for about 1/2 hr. Then out of no where people started coming in all of the sudden. LOL The nurse that came in to take my history and explain about my surgery was AWESOME! She was pleasant, explaining everything. Then the nurse came in for the IV, which scares me to death. I HATE IV's or i did, until this time. Now I'm not so afraid of them. Anyways so the RN kept me distracted while the nurse worked on the IV. Apparently they have a numbing gel or something, so i barely noticed she was working on the Iv, next thing i knew it was done! YAY. So anyways anesthesia came in to answer questions, and i asked some since i googled some horror stories about it. But they assured me it will be fine, i wont feel anything. & They will give me a relaxant into my IV before. So then after i was mostly hooked up, they let my dad and husband come back in to check on me before i went back. By then, i was pretty calm about it all. (Before the Versed relaxer i might add, everyone made me feel at ease). So then i was being rolled back into the Operating room, and man i tell ya it feels creepy looking around that room. They had already gave me one dose of the Versed before we headed that way and i didn't feel ANYTHING from it, so they gave me another dose. Then gave what they said was just oxygen, which i actually think was anesthesia. Cause that's the last i remember.....

Waking up from anesthesia was weird, it was just like waking up from a very deep sleep. Felt like i was at home, and the husband was annoying me to wake up. Except for the horrible burning need to pee, which i was told was from the catheter. They wouldn't let me up, i was not happy. It wasn't fun. But it went away a few minutes later. Anyways, snapped outta the grogginess pretty quickly, i have a pretty high tolerance i guess. No nausea, just felt like i lost some time. Then i was moved to recovery where my dad and Chris were waiting. They gave me some apple juice. My throat was bothering me, due to the tube. That was my only complaint at the moment. They had me on morphine for the pain at that time. Then they said i was ready to go and gave me pain meds, which i was pretty annoyed with because i cant take what they gave me. At this point i was starting to feel the pain, morphine was wearing off. I knew plain Vicodin wasn't going to help, and plain vicodin makes me sick also. So of course the nurse then (diff one) was a BITCH. Said they wont do anything stronger, i was very moody, at this point i had found out what they have found which i thought was NOTHING and i went through all that for nothing. So i was ready to scream, cry. Which i think was from the anesthesia cause that only lasted a day. So anyways to get out of there i asked the nurse for Norco which is similar to vicodin but has less Tylenol and i can tolerate it better. They argued it was the same thing, and i was just getting aggravated. I informed them that in 05 i was on multiple different pain meds after an auto accident so i am aware of how things react on me. So anyways finally they approve it, but of course refused to send the Dr in to talk to me. Which i still think is BS. But whatever, going home sucked. Pain had returned. It was no fun, walking, moving, everything SUCKED. But no nausea what so ever. No gas pain. They said to go home and eat light, i didn't. I was hungry! Still no nausea. YAY. So i didn't really do much that day wanted to just lay in bed, but that idea was BAD. I couldn't really get into bed comfortably then getting up to go to the bathroom a few minutes later was horrible. So i decided lets do our reclining couch. Easier to get up off of. So that worked out better. Peeing every 10 minutes was awesome when it hurt to get up also, i might add! Must have been from the fluids. By Friday i was feeling a bit better. At least could move around more. But sitting up was HORRIBLE. I think i prolonged my recovery by sitting up at the computer on Wednesday (day after surgery) because i thought i was feeling better. I guess that was because of the pain meds. Cause once they wore off (i missed my timed dose). I was in alot of pain. Had to take 2 norcos. Anyways that weekend my belly button incision started to look infected, so i had to go in on Tuesday to have it looked at and yup infected. Lovely. Its still healing but looking better.

So that's the surgery itself info, now lets go into the results portion of this blog. :p

The day i left surgery Dr Kb had wrote down what she found to give to me, cause i knew my husband wouldn't remember anything. It said everything looked normal, did see a spot on the left side that they biopsied for proof of endo. But i was mad because most of my pain is on the right. So i felt as if i did this for nothing and its just going to be even more unanswered questions and i knew this was the last thing we could do to find out what was going on...

But when i saw Dr KB on Tuesday to go over the results and re-look at the incision. She said the biopsy did come back positive for endometriosis. She said most likely there is endo other places but that is the most obvious. Because i asked about the pain being mostly on the other side. (i do have some on the left side though). She said it can radiate up or down. She said it is stage 1 right now. She prescribed some anti inflammatory for when i have the severe pain. She said this is the reason for all the pressure Ive felt lately, shooting pains, etc. So we finally have a reason for everything. Which even thought i don't want to have endometriosis, i am glad that at least i know what is wrong. At least i know I'm not insane, and its not all in my head. Which i was starting to think it was!

So, she went over the next steps for us having children. She said we now have 3 factors of infertility. A triple edged sword if you will. I have the PCOS along with the endo, combined with my husbands low count. So that's just lovely. She said the chances of us concieving naturally are EXTREMELY low. She did say that there were no cysts on my ovaries, so the metformin is removing those. So i should be having normal cycles and i don't. So there really isn't much else she can do for that. So she told me my only chances of getting pregnant are going to be the realm of IUI, maybe IVF later on. She said we need to remove as many factors of the infertility that we can to increase our chances. Which means bypassing the cervix completely. Now i am completely fine with doing IUI, which wont be able to do until into the future due to the finances. Insurance doesn't cover that, and i think its around 2000$ + per try, something like that (not exactly sure, but more than what we have right now). Will need injectables to help me ovulate, all of that is expensive.

So that's it. That's the news i received. It hurt to hear that with enough money we can make this happen, that we cant make this happen on our own. Kinda feels like a dagger in my heart. Because who knows when we will have that kind of money to afford this. & usually it will take multiple tries for it to work. It just really isn't fair the way things work. Really struggling with that. I do know that miracles happen, i know this my cousin and his wife are proof of that. But miracles like that don't happen for everyone. I am going to keep hoping that it will in the future. I wont lose hope. I guess all i can do now, is get working on my classes to start my new career, hope I'm successful and can afford to have the children we want, one day. But in the mean time i am worried of the Endometriosis getting worse. I asked the Dr if it does get worse as time goes by and she says its a very mysterious disease and theres really no way to tell. So I worry we are fighting the clock. I mean we might have to wait another year or longer until we can do the IUI. I just hope the endo doesn't get worse in the mean time. Also work on putting extra money away, and getting my career started. The clock is already ticking for me since i am a little over 2 months from 29. Its not like we have years to wait. :/ But we don't really have a choice.

Alright that's about all for now. I have many many more thoughts, and feelings go on lately, but i cant type anymore. Thanks for listening everyone. Sorry this was all over the place. Mind is jumpy lately, just so much going on. So much going through my head. I have this, and some family drama that just makes this situation even harder because i feel very alone. Crazy Psycho's can have multiple kids(beat them, turn their backs on them) and ruin peoples lives, but i cant HAVE one. Seriously? Ugh OK I'm done, cant even go into that right now! That's a whole nother story that isn't appropriate for here!

With Love,
Krystal

Yup

I have a lot to blog about, but am still just taking it all in right now. Also hurting (physically and emotionally). Incision is infected and ended up back at the drs getting It looked at and her trying to dig it out. Hurt more than I can explain. Hopefully will have a long blog entry tomorrow. We have some answers now, but we didn't talk about it too much due to being a squeeze in for the infection. Ouch! Will know more Tuesday!

Love, Krystal

Post Op mini Post

HI Everyone, 

I know i haven't updated everyone on my surgery yet. I've just been recovering and haven't felt like really putting it all out there yet. But i will. Just wanted to let any readers who read this know that i am OK. Surgery went well. Will write an update maybe tomorrow. :) See you then! 

With love,
Krystal 

Thanks for reading, feel free to comment so i know if anyone even reads these. LOL 

Surgery

Can't believe surgery is in 2 days. I am very scared/nervous about it. I don't know what to expect, I've never been under anesthesia before. I've never had any kind of surgery and what I've read about afterwards isn't fun. I'm worried something might happen. :/ I just don't know what to expect. ;/ I'm worried about recovery time also. But I am anxious to FINALLY know what has been going on all these years! I'm just hoping that when I wake up I'm not told they had to remove something that would prevent any chances of me becoming pregnant. That would break my heart.

Alright I'm off to bed. Thanks for listening/reading.

Love,
Krystal