Father's Day rant

I can't fuc***** handle the Father's Day stuff all over. I see it in stores, on fb, commercials. I can't handle it. Father's Day I always did something special for my dad. He usually got 3 cards because I could never decide, so i got them all, they all represented how much he meant to me. he would call them books cause they were the long cards. They always made him tear up. I just saw a post on fb about it hence why I'm ranting here.

 I saw a picture frame in meijer 2 weeks ago and it said world best grandpa and worlds best dad and I wanted to smash them On the ground and almost started to cry. He never got the chance to have his picture in a grandpa frame. & that breaks my heart. When and if me and Chris have children they will never know how great my dad was. They will never know him. He was amazing with kids. This breaks my heart. For me, for him, for my future kids if that ever happens. Wake me up when June ends, in the mean time ill be sleeping in a dream world where my dad is still here and I am not almost at the point of a nervous breakdown. I am so broken. & I feel so very alone. So very alone. I told my dad everything, he was always there, it's been almost 3 months. They say its supposed to get easier but it is getting worse and worse. I don't know how to keep going on......

Krystal 

It gets easier....not.

They say after you lose someone you love that it gets easier as time goes by. But that is bullshit. The more time goes on the more I miss my dad. The more it becomes real that he's truly gone. I can't sleep at all now because all I do is question what happened and why it happened. I have no closure. And having to deal with everything alone in his house. & going through and throwing away his things is very very hard. It's time like this I wish I had a sibling. Someone who understood what I was going thru. I'm finding it very hard to throw away his things. Even if it is just "junk". But it is a part of him. It was his junk. I don't want to throw his stuff Away, I don't want to admit this is real. I still can't go in the living room where I found him. I'm worried about what will happen. I don't think I will handle it well At all. 

I miss my dad more and more each day. It becomes more real everyday and then I just shake my head and say it can't be real. It just can't be. I can't focus on anything else, cause what does it matter he's not here to see it. I know death is a part of life. But this should not have happened. There's no reason for this. This was not his "time". I wish so badly I would have made him go to the hospital. I wish I could go back and go down there Wednesday and say we're going to the er. Why didnt I? Why? I can't get the what ifs the whys out of my head. I wish I could go back, I wish I could go back so badly. Make things right again. Bring him back where he belongs. Here with the family, and here with me. I don't like and can't handle this world without him in it. 

I can't do anything without it. & I am keeping it all inside. I can't cry in front of others. I just keep it all to myself. When I want to cry and cent I don't I just keep it hidden. I do it alone. 

That's all for now. Need to try to go to sleep. 

Krystal 

2 months...

Today at right about this time was the last time I spoke to my dad. Had I of known that it would be the last time, I can't even begin to tell you everything I would have said, what I would have done to save him. He's been gone for 2 months now. Even though we don't know Exactly when he passed away. It was anytime between 7am march 6th and 9am march 7th when I found him. & I will never know. I'll never know what happened. I am having an extremely hard time accepting that he is gone. That I will never speak to him again. That I will never see him again. I just don't understand it at all. I know they say you need to go on after you lose someone but I'm finding that very hard right now, cause what's the point? He was the one I called about everything. If anything good happens I called him first, same think if anything bad did. Who do I call now?

I keep saying I need to find a way to move on. But what's the point? Does it even matter? Nothing does without him. If I go on and succeed at my dreams, he won't be here to see it. If I ever end up having children he won't be here to see them. They will never meet him. He would have been the best grandfather out there. He was amazing with kids. Completely amazing. He couldn't wait for me to have. Children. Now I don't see the point. Everything is changed. Time keeps moving forward and I'm still standing still. I still feel like I'm in some sort of a nightmare that I just can't wake up from. Everything is so surreal.

They say live your life with no regrets. I am being overloaded with regret. Guilt. It's taking over me. Each day goes by ok, until that moment where I hear his ringtone on my phone in a public place, or on a TV show and it just stops u right in your tracks, and u remember it & it feels like someone put a dagger in your heart. Or you want to do something, or I want to tell him something and I remember I can't and the pain is getting too much to take. Its overwhelming.

What does it matter without my dad, does anything anymore? Cause I don't think so.
Miss you so much dad. Love you.

Until next time,
Krystal