It gets easier....not.

They say after you lose someone you love that it gets easier as time goes by. But that is bullshit. The more time goes on the more I miss my dad. The more it becomes real that he's truly gone. I can't sleep at all now because all I do is question what happened and why it happened. I have no closure. And having to deal with everything alone in his house. & going through and throwing away his things is very very hard. It's time like this I wish I had a sibling. Someone who understood what I was going thru. I'm finding it very hard to throw away his things. Even if it is just "junk". But it is a part of him. It was his junk. I don't want to throw his stuff Away, I don't want to admit this is real. I still can't go in the living room where I found him. I'm worried about what will happen. I don't think I will handle it well At all. 

I miss my dad more and more each day. It becomes more real everyday and then I just shake my head and say it can't be real. It just can't be. I can't focus on anything else, cause what does it matter he's not here to see it. I know death is a part of life. But this should not have happened. There's no reason for this. This was not his "time". I wish so badly I would have made him go to the hospital. I wish I could go back and go down there Wednesday and say we're going to the er. Why didnt I? Why? I can't get the what ifs the whys out of my head. I wish I could go back, I wish I could go back so badly. Make things right again. Bring him back where he belongs. Here with the family, and here with me. I don't like and can't handle this world without him in it. 

I can't do anything without it. & I am keeping it all inside. I can't cry in front of others. I just keep it all to myself. When I want to cry and cent I don't I just keep it hidden. I do it alone. 

That's all for now. Need to try to go to sleep. 

Krystal