So much...

I'm trying with huge pushes from family to get things done about my dads estate I guess it's called. Which he didn't own much. So it's not really an estate. But I guess that's what they call it. Either way that's neither here nor there. Anyways everyone wants me to get things done now, quit waiting. But I can't, because if I do then I have to accept that he is really gone. And I don't think I can ever accept that. But I know I have to. But I have no idea what to do and it's hard to do all the calling and everything when you can barely speak about it without wanting to crawl into a hole. My dad did not have a will or anything, like many people. So from what I've managed to google is just ridiculous to find out about. My husband called the probate court yesterday to did out what I should do and they were USELESS! I just wanted to get this out. How I am supposed to do everything when I don't even want to be alive? I don't want to live on a world where my dad isn't in it. I'm hurting very badly. I just want to run away, seriously. Just get away from it all. I can't handle this. I know I have to, but I feel like I'm About to break into pieces. Luckily my aunt Kaye and husband are willing to help me with calls and such. Otherwise I don't know what id do.

I know we all go through losing a parent at one point in our life. But I'm only 28, I should have had my dad for more time! I don't feel like it was his time like some people say. It makes no sense. He was so young spirited, he was in good physical shape. I was supposed to have him longer! He was supposed to see his grandchildren one day. He was supposed to see me succeed at SOMETHING in my life. He had so many more stories to tell. So many things I could have asked him. It just isn't right!!

I can't even close my eyes to sleep without seeing him lying there when I found him. & that's another thing the pushing to get in the house and start throwing stuff away. I don't know how I will. I just need some time. Everytime my husband goes there to check on things and drop the dog off. As soon as he opens the door and I see it from the car I get chest pains, racing heartbeat, can't breathe. Same happens at home when I start thinking about how he's never coming back. But when I try to sleep the image is in my head, then the why's what if's, guilt, regret, etc sets in. I blame myself for what happened. I should have done more to make him go to the ER . I can't get over it. The whys the what ifs they haunt me all day and all night long.. &

I have moments when I feel like things will be ok I will finish my classes and go on for my dad because that's what he would want. But then this wave crashes over me and I realize wtf does it even matter if he's not here to see it? To support me? Then the nothing matters without my dad here sets in. So it just goes back and forth. I feel like I'm Here but I'm not here. This all still doesn't seem real. It all still seems like a bad dream. It's been 3 weeks today since I last talked to my dad. & tomorrow will be 3 weeks since I found him. I just sit around and stare. Or keep my brain occupied with games on my phone and watching TV. But then when a silent moment comes I can't handle it!! This isn't right.

Alright I'm going to go. I miss you so much dad, I don't know how I'm going to go on. I just don't know.

Thanks for anyone who read this. I don't even know If it made any sense but I just needed to get some stuff out. Thanks.

Krystal

How?

How are you supposed to go on without the ones you love? How? I'm trying so hard to be strong. But I am failing miserably when I am alone. I am being pushed and pulled in every direction possible and I feel like nobody understand that I just need some time. I know I have alot to do with my dads house and cars, and everything else. But I need people to quit pushing me! I feel like I am going to lose my mind already. I haven't even come to terms that he is gone yet. How am I supposed to do everything else. I just want to scream and cry at everyone. I can't keep being pushed in every direction. I can't handle this.

I'm trying my hardest to figure out how the hell I am supposed to live and go on without my dad. I don't even know how that is possible. I have so much guilt, shock, regret, pain. Unimaginable pain. I am having panic attacks everytime I think of him. I get angry, I want to scream. How can someone take someone that was so good to so many people and leave so many assholes left on this planet? It's not fair it's not right and it's just plain wrong. This wasnt supposed to happen! And I know everyone says there's a reason for everything but someone please tell me what the reason for this is? There is none! He was too good of a person, he had so many years left.

Just thinking and realizing as I type that he's not coming back and seeing him in the floor, makes my heart race, my chest starts hurting and I can't breathe. This all does not seem real. How can It be? I can't sleep. All I see is him how I found him. I can't handle it. I can't handle this pain anymore. I know people are trying to help but what I need is some time. Nothing will ever be the same again without my dad. Nothing. He was the circle of everything. He was everything. So many questions I didn't ask him. So many things I didn't say. So many things I didn't do. I don't know how I'm supposed to go on. & I know people say time heals all wounds and you learn to go on. & I know that's true It happened when my Momow passed away. But right now where I'm at right now. I can't see anything past right now. I can't see anything without my dad in my life & I don't want to. He was the best dad in the world. I can't go on without him. I just cant.

Horrible

I don't even know where to begin, or if I can even write it out. This past week has been something out of a horror movie. My dad passed away last week. I am in an insane state of shock. I can't believe what happened. I can't understand it. I have never been this heart broken. I was the one who found him. I will go into details later. He was only 59. I am only 28, I should not be burying my father this young. He was the best man I know. He did everything for everyone. I just can't understand it. Funeral was Monday and I've just been laying around the house in complete disbelief that he is gone. I am blaming myself. I have so much guilt inside right now. I don't know how I am supposed to live without my dad. Everytime I think that he is gone my heart starts to race, I get pain in my chest and can't breathe. I just can't understand it. Why do bad things happen to good people? WHY?? I am so fucking angry I am angry at the world. I am devastated, angry, about every emotion that exists. He never hurt a fly. He had such a kind soul and such a young soul. He did not act like he was in his 50's he acted like he was in his 20's. he had these stories he would tell that just made u laugh. He was the best father I could have ever asked for. I was extremely lucky. But I was supposed to have him longer. I just can't understand why. I can't even put my feelings into words for anyone. I can't talk about it. I can write about it but I can't verbalize it. It just doesn't seem real. It just can't be. It just can't. I can't imagine the rest of my life without him. He was such a huge part of my life. I was always daddy's girl. & I don't know what to do now. I don't know, I just don't know. I don't know anything anymore. Why? Why? Why? That's all I can even say for now. Nothing matters anymore nothing. & I mean NOTHING. All the hopes and dreams I had, they are gone. They all mean NOTHING without my dad here with me to see them. I am broken.

Not even editing this.