Seriously!

Just saw this online. SERIOUS! Always so cautious, why wasn't I an irresponsible teenager/20something? Sigh. 

1 year.....

Around this time today 1 year ago, I spoke to my dad for the last time. I had no idea It would be the last time we'd speak. He wasn't feeling better, we talked about me taking him to the ER he wanted to give it more time and would think about it as see how he felt. I urged him to let me take him. He joked about knowing a nurse to get him an IV I worried he was dehydrated. He said he would wait and see how he felt later. That was the last time I spoke to him, sometime between that call around 8am and the next morning at around 9am he was gone. We don't know why, we don't know how, we don't even know when. He was gone when I got there the next morning. 

This past year has been the worst I could imagine. Losing my dad was the worst thing I've ever had to go through. The pain, the guilt that if I had just forced him to go, that is something I will never ever get over. I can't believe it's been a year since he's been gone. Me and my dad had the father daughter relationship many dream of. He meant everything to me. He was there for me through everything. No matter how big or small he was always there. His humor, his laugh, his smile, it was everything that was good and kind and genuine in a person. I'm very lucky he was my dad, and that I had him to myself for all those 28 years.

I will miss you forever dad, I will never understand why & how you are truly gone. If I had known that was my last conversation I would have had with you, the things i would have said. I wish you would have known how much of an amazing father to me you were. How much you meant to me. How grateful I am to you for all you've done my entire life. So many things I couldn't even begin to explain. This week has been very hard. You got sick on the 2nd and you were gone on the 7th. Why couldn't it just have been a flu like we thought? He meant so much to so many people. I love you dad, forever and always. I wish we had more time with you......missing you always dad.

Angel Catcher

So my best friend got me this book for x-mas called the Angel Catcher, its a journal of loss and remembrance. It asks questions about your loved ones and you can journal memories, etc about them. I think i might answer the journal questions here. I will also put them in the book. I sat down here to start on it, but i think the NyQuil has kicked in. So i think, i will come back and finish this tomorrow. 2 days until that horrible horrible day. I can't believe it has been a year already. How am i still functioning without you dad? How is the world still spinning without you in it? I don't understand, i never will. I miss you so much, more than i could ever say. More than i can type, more than i can express to anyone. I am verbally unable to out into words how much you are missed and loved. Life will never be the same without you.....never. I will never be the same without you.....

I miss you like hell. I hope somehow, someway you are still with me...

1 year....

I can't believe it is already March. It has been one year today the last time I ever took my dad out to dinner. March 1st, it was a Friday evening as like every weekend. We would pick him up and take him to eat. We had out favorite place country chef in Troy. We went there, I had lasagna as I always do. My dad had veal parm I believe. The seniors one, the senior portion is huge. I believe it was veal parm. He was his happy joyful self telling jokes happy as can be. His job was extending longer and was glad to be getting back on his feet. See my dad was a plumber, he worked for the union. He made very good money. But the last few years in Michigan it's been slow. Anyways, we talked and had a good time. Little did I know that was the very last time we'd go out to dinner with him. It was one of my favorite things to look forward to. We would talk about whatever came to mind. I remember showing him a picture I had just took of marley (our dog), spooning my husband. I set it up. I might include pic. Actually I think I will. Husband will not be happy, but he doesn't read this. It will be at the bottom. He laughed at it. My dad was just as happy as can be. I had no idea the dark cloud was headed his way. I had no clue. We had a great dinner as always. Then we dropped him off at home. My husband probably borrowed some of his hunter sausages from him as he always did. My dad always had hunter sausages. Nom. My dad made jokes in the car as he always did. He was truly one of the best people to be around. He was excited about the jimmy Marvin benefit coming up the next day. That Saturday. Looking back, I can't believe what happened did. He was fine! He wanted for me and my husband to go to the benefit the next day since the famiky goes, but I said no. Too many people I really didn't care to see. :/ I wish I wish I would have went. Maybe I could have noticed some signs. I don't even know. What I do know, is that day with him out to eat was a good day. Had I of known it was my last meal with my dad, I would have said or done something so he knew just how much he meant to me.

The world has just kept moving this past year, but i still feel like I am standing still. This world I am living in, doesn't seen like mine. Because what kind if world is this without such an amazing genuine person like my dad? I am not me anymore. Because the person I was when my dad was here is gone. He made me a better person. He lit up the room with his laughter and smile. He had the sense of humor you couldn't help but notice. He was the best man I knew. Times keeps moving on, but I'm still standing still. Others have moved on, and that pisses me off. How do you not care? How do you just go on and not mention him? I guess I am bitter, I'm mad, I'm depressed and I just want my dad back. 

I don't even know where I was going with this. It's choppy and probably has some spelling errors. But whatever. I'll edit later.

Dad if I had known that was the last happy time id seen you, I would have enjoyed out visit much longer. I would have really listened to want you were saying. I wouldn't have taken it for granted. I miss you more now, and it's just getting worse. I love you dad. You forever be the biggest part of me. Thanks for being my dad. I was the luckiest girl in the world. It broke my heart to lose you, it's a pain no one could understand. They say life goes on, and it does, but it's never the same. Ever. 

The pic me and my dad discussed at dinner.