Just a quick note

Hey everyone. Sorry I haven't posted lately. Just been dealing with some stuff. Anyways I will fill you in on my latest drs visit in a bit. But right now i just wanted to write about my dream last night about my momow.

This is the second time in about a week where I've had a similar dream. I can't remember the details as usual. But what I remember is seeing momows face in the dream. All I remember is just seeing her face, just appear. Nothing was said either time, just remember seeing her & crying. Both times it woke me up because I was crying. Then I desperately try to get back to sleep to see the rest but I can't get back to it. But last night was different. I remember just seeing her as if she was standing behind me, I think I remember her having a wings. Not sure if they were just like the Halloween costume Wings but def wings. Now I know & say she is my angel. So who knows. But the way the dreams felt is different than anything in the past. In past dreams i remember seeing & talking to her in some odd scenarios. But the past 2 times I remember no talking, nothing, all I remember is seeing her face & waking up In tears. I miss her so much. I don't know if the dreams are just a way of telling me that she's with me, or that I'm not alone. I'm not sure. Either way I wish I could see her more in my dreams, & be able to remember it when I wake up.

Anyways, about my doctors appt. I went in for my sonohysterogram & i did the ultrasound but the dr came in & had looked over my history & my recent visit notes (I saw her PA), & she didn't think we needed to do another. She instead wants me to have surgery to look for endometriosis. She says my symptoms sound much more like that. Which had been my suspicion since the beginning. & it's strange because I mentioned that to the pa when I saw her and she said they never do any endo tests. Well safe to say I won't be seeing her again!! Anyways they are going to do a D & C with uterine biopsy, they will do the sono while I am under anesthesia. They will also be doing a laparoscopic exploratory surgery of the stomach area. So I will have 3 incisions to look inside. So hopefully we will def have some answers. It is scheduled for jan 8th. I'm pretty freaked out, I've never had any kind of surgery before. Never been under anesthesia. So ya I'm pretty worried. I know it's common surgery, but still. Surgery is surgery!

But anyways that's all I have to say for now. Goodnight/day anyone who reads.

With love,
Krystal

Doctors Appts

Well, last week has been busy. Started out with a visit to my OBGYN for all the pain and months of bleeding that just wont stop. So that visit didn't go well, i ended up seeing the PA- (Physicians assistant) because it would have been another 2 weeks to get into my OB. So i took that. Well she wasn't very pleasant to say the least. & she was very pregnant, so of course that wasn't good to see. Blah. Anyways she just kinda shrugged it off (what i told her). I told her lets just put getting pregnant on the back burner for now, I've been having alot of pains lately, and they are increasingly getting worse and more painful and accompanied with the bleeding, that i and my family were starting to get concerned about me. So she basically said the pain wasn't anything new Ive been talking about it from the beginning. But she wasn't listening to the fact that in the beginning it wasn't chronic it was random. But it has become a chronic pain. Needless to say, i asked for some blood work and she ordered it and said she wants me to have another sonohysterogram. I am in no way shape or form looking forward to this test. I'm sure any fellow Infertility dealing readers know exactly what I'm talking about. But to those who don't, it is INCREDIBLY painful. For those that do not know what this test entails, let me explain. A small catheter is inserted into the uterus, which sucks. It hurts, once that is in they fill the uterus with saline, which is well for me at least excruciating. It causes EXTREME cramping. Last time i had it i nearly PASSED out. I swore i would never have it again. But was told it was very important to see whats going on. But anyways the soonest they could get me in was NOV 26th. Ya i was pretty irked about that. The longer i wait, the longer i have to bail on it. But we will see. I know something is going on and i need to find out what. Blah.

Anyways the next day the PA called me and told me my thyroid function tests were high. So she wanted me to see an endocrinologist. So i made an appt and they actually had an appt available the next day so i was like sweet, at least this one wont hurt. So anyways she was excellent, very nice. I told her about how Ive been struggling to conceive and also trying to lose weight for the last 8 months with minimum results. 25lbs. I mentioned how the PA i saw yesterday blaimed basically everything on my weight. Was very rude about it. Which my OB is not. Anyways endo said not everything is weight related. Anyways that's neither here, nor there. She said when trying to conceive she wants patients TSH level to be under 2!! 2!! Insane to me. Mine was 7.62 when i was OBgyn so she retested it and some antibodies, said my thyroid felt fine so she didn't feel the need for any other tests. Said if my TSH is still high she will start synthroid to get my levels below 2 which will help with trying to conceive and other factors. So anyways didn't really rememember much about it. But got my test results in the mail today and antibodies were OK, but tsh was OK 3.6 or something similar which she wants lower. So I'm starting synthroid. So i decided to take to google and found out that this is a common thing in trying to conceive that lowering the TSH sometimes works right away to get ovulation back and regulate system. I had NO clue. I guess i should have googled that a long time ago. So we are not ACTIVELY trying right now because i have so much other stuff going on. BUT if this will help get my system back on track, its about damn time. Anyways did anyone else relate TSH to conceiving? this is the article i read.

http://forums.fertilitycommunity.com/thyroid-problems/2020188578-tsh-levels-must-read.html

Well hoping this puts me in the right direction. I try to say that i am putting getting pregnant on the back burner, but lets face it, its always right there. You cant hide from it. You think you're OK with it not happening right now until you hear person after person getting pregnant or you see a newborn baby in a store, then the pain comes. The reminders, the shot to the heart. Its always there, no matter what. You can only fool yourself for so long. But here's to pretending! HA.

On another note, i need to get moving on my career path. Don't know why i am still sitting here planning and not just putting one foot in front of the other and getting this shit done. I have a horrible time getting motivated. Kept saying i was going to take the classes for the last month and here i am still not taking them. I have missed all the good ones. Ugh time to get this going! But sadly tomorrow will come and i wont make my first step. Blah.

OK off to sleep now. Thanks anyone who listened to story. :)

Krystal :)

Down

Feeling very very down about my ob/gyn appt today. Left very angry and upset. Will post more Tomorrow when I feel like talking about it in detail.

Krystal

Second Thoughts

You know, last week when i decided to trade in the SS, get started with the classes for my new career i finally decided to go with after over a year of thinking about it. I thought i had it all figured out, now i am starting to wonder if it all was a bad decision. All of it. I thought i finally knew which way i wanted to take in my life, i was SO sure. Now I'm not so sure, i keep saying I'm going to do it. Then i don't. Without taking any chances there can be no rewards. I wish i was able to take chances easier. Otherwise i wouldn't still be here a year later just THINKING about going to this new career, i would be out there doing it. :/

& I don't even know why i have such trouble taking steps to do new things, fear of failure maybe? Since i already feel like my life is a total failure right now. I am 28 and unemployed, i have no children, i don't own anything. I have nothing. I have dreams, but i know that most of the time dreams don't come true.

I am bipolar so i do have many ups and downs, i think the last few weeks I've been having some very high highs, making rash decisions without really thinking them through, example trading in the SS for my new car. Now i am very very sad about it. I am down right now. About everything. I am unsure about everything as well. I am confused, i am just blah. I feel blah.

Also i bought a new laptop cause my old one needs a new hard drive, but i don't think i want to keep it, certain aspects of it are driving me nuts, it is an ultra book. Which i like, but i don't like the keys at all, also the power cord keeps coming out of the back. I think one of the other ones i was looking at would have been better cause it had a side power cord. I know that i might adjust to this one after a while. But i only have 30 days to decide, actually now i only have about 16 days ish something like that.

Anyways sorry for the babbling, just been kinda down. Very down. I want to cry about losing my SS. I know that is just ridiculous. But i really don't think i thought this through very well. I know i know its just a car, but that car meant alot to me. I guess i just need time to let her go. Also maybe taking the pictures i have of her in the frames in the living room might be better taken down for just a while cause i see the pics every time i look up. Also i need to take a trip in the new car to really test out the fuel economy because according to the calculations of the first tank of gas its only getting about 7mpg more than the SS and that is DEF not worth it. It is supposed to get 36mpg highway, the average is somewhere at 22. It has been mostly city driving so I'm trying to realize that. But we will see. I guess we will just see about everything.

Ta Ta for now.

Krystal

2/30 things

2. Describe 3 fears you have and explain how they became fears.

I have some major fears more paranoia so i am going to skip those and go into some less dramatic fears. 

1. Clowns - They re just creepy. & My dad knew i was creeped out by them, so every Xmas he would get some creepy porcelain clown as a joke. LOL It was quite funny and he wasn't doing it to be mean or anything. Then he's like to set them up in the closet so whenever i left my room I'd see them! LMAO 

2. Losing the ones i love-Pretty obvious here. But here goes lost my Momow 5 years ago this month and i don't think i could ever deal with that kind of pain ever again. 

3.Spiders - Because they are creepy as hell. I hate them hate them hate them. 

Bad decision? Not sure.

Well, this past week has been busy. I decided to trade in my baby truck. 2008 Chevy trailblazer SS, due to horrible fuel economy. Couldn't afford to go anywhere anymore. So I just wanted to LOOK at other options. But 2 days later she was gone and I had leased my new car. I'm really wondering If I made this decision way too quickly. I really like my new car, it has every option imaginable. So updated. My 08 SS had the normal stuff for 08. But here we are what nearly 5 years later. So much has changed. Lol but & I know this is just ridiculous, but the SS gave me the feeling I was worth something. That I accomplished something, now I guess I feel like I've given up. And feel pretty down. I know it's just a car, & I feel ridiculous. But for some reason I felt like I've really made it in life to have my SS ESP at 23 when I got it. & because nobody ever said I could ever afford it. But I made it work. Technically options wise, I have upgraded & price wise they are pretty even brand new. But I feel like I downgraded. How ridiculous is that to feel that way??? Sometimes I just don't understand the way I feel about anything!!!

I need to realize that I can't keep doing things to try and impress people. I need to do what works for me and to only please me! Nobody else!

It's hard because when I was younger I dropped out of high school so I was always told I would never amount to anything and I would never have anything. But I did, I've had everything I've wanted (materialistic wise). But that feeling of having to impress people just needs to go! It doesn't get u anywhere!

Sigh, ok I'm done now. Just needed to get that out. Hoping I can let go of my SS & love my new car that I liked enough on the lot to trade the SS in for it.

Lately I've been feeling like a failure all Around, so I guess this just makes that even worse. :/

Thanks for listening,
Krystal <3

I've attached photos the SS on her beach photoshoot and the only good pic I have so far of the new 2013 car . :)

1/20 20 random facts.

I got this idea its 30 questions it is from Allison over at http://projectopenhearts.blogspot.com/ See this post to see more about this whole challenge. http://projectopenhearts.blogspot.com/2012/09/30-days.html :)

1. List 20 random facts about yourself.

**********

1. My name is Krystal Dawn, my Aunt Kaye suggested my name. Means beautiful morning. My parents choose a K instead of a C to be different I guess. Lol everyone spells it wrong.

2. I have a husband, his name is Chris. Not the blissful happy amazing marriage I always wanted, but such is life. Not everything is a fairytale.

3. We have 3 pets that I love like my children! Kitten is the oldest he is 10 he is a tuxedo cat. He is the best male cat in the world(dont want to make slinky jealous). Slinky is the middle child, she is 6 & she's a leopard print. She's the strangest cat in the world but I love her none the less. Marley is our border lab. (Border collie/lab mix) she's 2.5yrs old. She has kept out hands full. But is getting better. :) she's growing out of her puppy years.

4. I am the only child. & yes I do wish I had a sibling!

5. My parents were never married. My mother married my ex step dad when I was 2. Broke my dads heart.

6. I don't have a good relationship with my mother. She is an addict and has been my whole life. It has probably affected me in many ways, even in things I haven't addressed to myself yet.

7. My Momow is my hero. She was the most influential person growing up. She loved me and was always there for me. She meant the world to me, I loved her with all my heart, and it was unconditional. She passed away on 9-19-07. I've never been the same since. & never will be. There is a permanent hole in my heart that will always be for her. If it wasn't for her, my life would have probably went a completely different route. I can't even began to explain how much she meant to me. Nobody truly understands. It hurts too bad that I have never been able to talk about it. Therefore I never dealt with it. Because the reality is just too much to take.

8. My aunt Kaye has jumped in momows shoes since we have lost her. She is an amazing aunt. To me she's more than just an aunt, she's a friend and a mother figure. I was always so envious of my cousin for having such amazing parents. Some people don't understand how lucky they are! I loved going to her house as a kid, and even teen and adult. She is just like Momow in many ways. I'm thankful for all she's done for me too.

9. I've always felt out of place in my life. Like I didn't quite fit in.

10. I'm still trying to figure out what my purpose is here on life. I've lost my way this last year and have been trying to find my way back. Back to the person I used to be. It's a long journey but hopefully I will be able to find my way.

11. My dad is a great father to me. I am very lucky to have him. He's always there for me and has such a huge heart for everyone. If anyone needs His help for anything he is always there. & that goes for me too. He would do anything for me and I know it. He is very unique, he's a hippie. But I couldn't imagine him any other way. He always has the most hilarious jokes to tell. Stories of His past. It's amazing to hear the crazy things he says. :) I wish I could spend more time with him but since I've been up here I haven't been able to. I'm very grateful for him.

12. I am not religious at all. Never was. Am I am atheist, HELL no. I call it agnostic. I believe in some things and others I question. But I would never ever tell anyone else they are wrong for their beliefs. I expect the same
In return. :)


13. I stopped going to high school halfway thru 9fh grade. Not because I was into bad things, I just was dealing with some depression. My mother has gone crazy. I was picked on in school for being fat. Even tho I was not. But teenagers are assholes. Lol I received my GED in 2003. & started college soon after. But never finished cause I got a good job. & didn't think it was necessary. I find out now it was a bad mistake.


14. I am obsessed with tv. I have to watch all my shows.One tree hill is my most FAVORITE show. I could just watch the seasons over and over and over......The quotes and storylines sometimes feel like they are mocking my life!

15.. My first car was an 87 grand am. I Loved it haha. Then I got a 91 beretta, then aunt Kaye sold me her 94 beretta z26 I loved that car until I got into an accident and totaled it only a few months after I got it. Then I got a 96 Sebring that I hated! Then 2000 jeep grand Cherokee loved it. Then it was taken back because we believed the mileage was turned back. They then replaced it with another one. Then 4 yeas ago I leased my dream truck an 08 trailblazer SS. I was obsessed with that truck. It's sad that now it looks like we will have to trade it in due to fuel economy can't afford to keep putting gas in it. Going to be hard to let her go. :(

16. I have 2 tattoos. A Chinese symbol for hope on my shoulder blade, & a lower back design. Wish I wouldn't have got them. But who doesn't regret tattoos? Lol

17. I love the beach. Love hearing the waves, love swimming. My dream is to live on the lake up in caseville one day soon! Sweet serenity right there!!!

18. I am Bipolar. Diagnosed at 14. Just like my dad, grandpa, & possibly my mother as well.

19. I I love sleep, but I seriously have a horrible time falling asleep! Insomnia u suck!

20. I've been out of work now for 13 months. Been wanting to get back out there now. About to start a new career adventure. I'm scared, but excited. Wish more people supported me!

Extra/ 21: I keep way too much inside, if something is really upsetting me, most likely I wont tell anyone. I have Trouble showing emotion in front of others.

Missing you.

I'm so tired of trying to be so strong, & holding everything in. I feel like I can't show emotion. ESP around certain people.

5 years since we lost Momow. I have so much to say on that. Just can't right now. It's too hard. I miss her more than I can even explain. If she was here I know things would be completely different than they are now.....she believed in me like nobody else did. She loved me like nobody else.

Things are so screwed up. I am a failure. If she was here I would have never let her see me fail. I wanted to make her proud more than anything.

Momow, I miss you.... I hope u can hear me...

I am so broken...

Upcoming 30 questions.

I'm going to be doing these in depth questions from Allie over at project open hearts. But haven't really sat down to start them yet. I will soon.

I have something I've wanted to talk about, but Will later. Just wanted to say hello to the whole 1, or 2 ppl who read this blog. Haha

Later all,
Krystal

Alone

I'm tired of being alone. Feeling alone, dealing with everything alone. Keeping everything in. I'm tired of being so ANGRY. Of being so unhappy.

That is all.
Me

Happy

I just want to be happy. I am better than this. I deserve better than this. I am more than this.

A dream

I had a dream last night that has made me think. Just wanted to write it down so I can remember it.

I dreamt that I was in wv, with my husband I believe. There were odd parts & visiting with Gary from teen mom. No clue what that was about, they're not even from there. Lol Anyways then we went up in the mountains & my Momow was there. She lived there in this dream. I think I didn't know she was there, cause I was shocked to see her. We were going to be leaving to come back
Home & I talked to her & she said for me to come over the next day so we can visit @215 (odd time I know). I cried saying I missed her, & spending time with her all the time, &talking to her, & begged her to move back to mi. She said she wont be coming back & that I need to go on, that she is happy where she is. We had to get back for Chris to be able to go back to work, but we ended up staying. The mountains were there & it was very pretty. & that's about all I can remember.

What's weird about this dream is my Momow is buried in WV, me & my husband go there every year
In september to put flowers on her grave. After she passed away, to make it easier on me instead of accepting the truth I would tell myself she was just on vacation in wv. It helped me cope, because the truth was too hard to accept. So I don't know what the meaning of this dream is. Dream experts say that if a loved one visits you in your dream, it's really them. I don't know how true this is since I guess no one can ever really know for sure. But I just wanted to write about it. I think in my dream Momow was younger. But anyways, anyone out there that actually read this & are good at interpreting dreams, feel free to comment.

Momow has been gone for 5 years in September. My Momow was the most important person in my life, she was always there for me. Lately I have thought about how much I've needed her advice, been going thru some things & I have been thinking how differently things would be if I still had her to turn to. If i still had her support, had her to guide me. Had her encouragement to go after my dreams, lately I haven't really had anyone to turn to. I mean I have people in my life, but no one like Momow. She believed in me like no one else could. She wanted nothing else but the best for me. She wanted me to be the best I could be, she wanted me to go after my dreams. I wanted nothing more than to make her proud. Last few years I don't have that drive. Because I don't have anyone behind me pushing me to succeed. So it's like everything I worked for is gone& I don't care to even try anymore. Cause it doesn't even matter. At least that's how I have been feeling. So stressed out, so alone. So not feeling like myself. Somewhere along the way I've lost myself. Who am I anymore? I don't even know anymore.

Krystal

Another road block in the journey to infertility

Well just got off the phone with my OB and got the results to my husbands spermie test. Turns out he has low sperm count. Which is just lovely to hear. We always thought it was me all this time. The PCOS and an-ovulation i thought was the main problem. Well now its both of us, which is a double blow. We never had him tested in the last 2 years because of my lack of periods, and Dr assumed it was because of that. Well now we find out its not, its a combo of both. So what happens now? What do we do? First is to get a consult with reproductive endocrinology, but we cant afford that and our insurance doesn't cover ANYTHING reproductive anymore. So i guess we start saving. I would assume form the great suggestions on google that IUI or IVF are probably our options. For some reason i always thought that was going to be what happens. But its going to be a long time until we can afford that. I guess we can wait and hope for a miracle. I wont ever give up hope that one day it will happen. But feeling defeated here. I know it can change the count can go up later and theres things we can do. But right now i just don't know anymore. I am holding on for someday, because imagining that it will never happen is too much to grasp right now...........

All over the place, i dont even know anymore....

Have you ever found yourself at a crossroads in your life? Laying awake at night, every night trying to decide what you should do? Well that's what is happening with me lately. I'm so confused, i don't know what to do with my life anymore. I don't know what i want at all. I know what i want more than anything is to have a child. But since i cant do anything to make that happen, i need to have a back up plan. It may happen sometime in the future, but i also need to accept that it may never happen. So what do i want to do? I know i don't want to be at any dead end job. I want a career, something flexible. Also i don't want to be stuck inside all the time behind a desk. I've been thinking alot of realty, i think i would love to be a real estate agent. But will i actually do it? I have no clue.

Woke up today, and while trying to go back to sleep i had a vision of my momow who passed away 4.5 years ago. We were very very very close. She meant everything to me. I was just thinking how great it would be to be able to talk to her about this. She always helped me with anything that i couldn't decide about. she wanted nothing more than for me to be happy. She pushed me to succeed at things, and to not give up. Now i don't really have anyone to do that. She was the best person I've ever known. It just occurred to me in my vision of her that i wont ever get the chance to do that again. I mean I've known and i often think that, but today it hit me hard. Maybe because i have so much going on inside my head that i don't know what to do or who to talk to.I miss her everyday. I wish i could just talk to her and see her again. But i know that's not possible. I'm not a sap but today, I'm feeling very weak. I miss my momow, more than words can say.

I cant sleep at night, i just end up laying there. I think about so many things all the time. My brain refuses to shut off. I wish i could run away from it. Just get away from it all. But you cant run from yourself. I think maybe I've been running from myself and my feelings for a very long time. I am not an emotional person. I cant just cry easily. I cant just turn to a family member or friend or my husband and talk about whats bothering me. I am a very closed off person. If something is wrong, i just don't talk about it. Maybe that is my problem. I keep everything inside. Maybe that is what is wrong. I cant open up. I guess that is what this blog is for. To talk about things i cant actually say out loud. Maybe it will help me cope? We will see, i guess its better than nothing.

I've been trying to eat better and exercise to get in better shape also, which is hard but I'm doing it. Its been about 7 weeks since i started, its a slow process but in the end the journey is the destination. I am the only one who can change me, i know this. But i took the first step. Its a life change, i want to be healthy. I wasn't unhealthy before, but i was over weight. So here's to getting fit and feeling better! And if it does help me end up getting pregnant in the long run, then it will all be worth it. And if it doesn't i can still be happy that i am healthy for me.

Husband and i haven't been actively trying to conceive lately. Too much heartbreak, i have 3 more clomid rounds i can do, but after that i am done. There is nothing else my ob can do from her stand point. I have to go to an RE which is fine, except my insurance doesn't cover ANYTHING so i will have to pay out of pocket and lets face it, theres no way we can afford that right now. So i guess those rounds are my last hope. I'm delaying using them because the heartbreak you get after trying, just to see lovely AF appear is just heartbreaking, and basically I'm not ready for that kind of pain again. My whole life has just been a series of disappointments ever since i was a small child. So what do i expect in this? To get pregnant easily like so many others do. Of course it wont be easy for me, nothing in my life has been. :/

I often wonder how my life might have been had i of choose another path. What if i stayed in high school and went to college, what if i wasn't on so much birth control would i have been pregnant years ago before marriage? (which i didn't want). I've always been the cautious one. Was always on birth control as soon as i started having sex at 17. Is that why i cant get pregnant now? What did i do to deserve this? I watch so many other people getting pregnant so simply, but i cant. Its just not fair. I don't even know where i was going with this anyways. Just rambling away. I do that, quite frequently.

There are so many what ifs in life, so many. They float through my head on a daily basis. What if what if what it. Those kind of thoughts are crushing to think about. Because you will never know the answers. I wish i could fix myself. Just to be able to be happy. Happiness is a fleeting feeling. Many people run after it, search for it, search forever for it. But what if it is unattainable? True utter happiness. Can one really be truly happy? I don't even know.

I don't know quite what the point of this blog was about, other than to just sit here and get all these thoughts going on inside my head out. Maybe after this i can actually go to sleep. Sure would be nice. I hope my momow visits me in my dreams. Come to me and tell me everything will be OK. I need to hear your voice. I need your hugs. I miss you so much.

Thanks for listening anyone who read thru this whole thing. :)

Krystal

I leave you with a poem that's been in my head that reminded me of my momow.

I thought of you with love today
but that is nothing new
I thought about you yesterday
and days before that too,

I think of you in silence
I often speak your name
All I have are memories
and your picture in a frame.

Your memory is my keepsake
with which I’ll never part
God has you in His keeping
I have you in my heart.

Not much news

There really hasn't been much going on to blog about. Things have just been well blah to say the least. Haven't really felt like saying much. Kinda keeping to myself lately. Just wanted to say hello.

Krystal

Indecisive

Hmmm, I can't seem to pick out an appropriate name for my blog. So don't mind me if I change it here in the beginning. If anyone is out there. I have: running to stand still now. Before this it was; quiet things, no one knows. & the one before that was; to wish impossible things. All titles to one tree hill episodes. Lines that also relate to what I'm going through. Now you ask why one tree hill? Well this is one of my favorite shows. Well actually it is my favorite has been for 9 yrs now. But the show means a lot to me, i relate to it in many ways. So thats why I want a blog title with something related to it. If anyone has an opinion on the title please let me know. Thanks. <3

Krystal

99 things about me.

I borrowed this little ditty here from fellow blogger Allison over at http://projectopenhearts.blogspot.com/ If you are struggling with IF and want a little hope, head over to her page. A real success story.. It's nice to know that some people are having success in this whole infertility struggle. For every success story you read, it gives us still struggling hope to hang on. Believe with all we have, and to NOT give up. Thanks Allie, and every other success story blog, for sharing your story for us still struggling. :-)

I can't really think of much to write about ATM, so that's why i am doing this quiz.




1: Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed? We took the doors off the closet. So open. 
2: Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotel?  HAHA yes, not to use it. Just as a souvenir. 
3: Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out? Out, we always tuck the bottom in, but it never stays. Then it falls out and the dog eats the sheets. Sign such is life with a over hyper lab mix. 
4: Have you ever stolen a street sign before? Nope
5: Do you like to use post-it notes? Not at home, but when i worked at my doctors office, all the time. 
6: Do you cut out coupons but then never use them? yep, all the time. 
7: Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of a bees? Neither please. 
8: Do you have freckles? No.
9: Do you always smile for pictures? If I know someone is taking a picture of me.
10: What is your biggest pet peeve? gosh i don't even know ATM. 
11: Do you ever count your steps when you walk? No
12: Have you ever peed in the woods? No i can't. 
13: What about pooped in the woods? Nope
14: Do you ever dance even if there's no music playing? Not generally no, unless there is a song stuck in my head and decide to bust a move. 
15: Do you chew your pens and pencils? No, kills my teeth. 
16: How many different places have you fallen asleep this week?  Just the bed. 
17: What size is your bed? King, yet its still not big enough for me and hubby and our dog and 2 cats lol. 
18: What is your Song of the week? I don't really have a song of the week. I love music, but don't have a specific song. 
19: Is it okay for guys to wear pink? Only SOME guys can pull the whole pink thing off. 
20: Do you still watch cartoons? No, i was never big on cartoons. 
21: Whats your least favorite movie? If i don't like a movie, i won't watch it. 
22: Where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some? Um, pretty sure i wouldn't say it on here, cause then it wouldn't be a secret.
23: What do you drink with dinner? Milk, or coke. 
24: What do you dip a chicken nugget in? hot mustard, sweet and sour, ranch or BBQ. Depends on where they are from. 
25: What is your favorite food? Spaghetti for sure. I'm a huge Italian fan! 
26: What movies could you watch over and over and still love? Comedies mostly. I'm a huge romantic comedy fan. The hangover, friends with benefits, movies like that. 
27: Last person you kissed/kissed you? Probably the animals, i am always loving on them. ha ha Sorry Husband. 
28: Were you ever a boy/girl scout? nope
29: Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine? Hell no, unless i was offered an insane amount of $$. & no one would ever see it. LOL But no one would ever pay ME for that. haha
30: When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper? Not the slightest clue. Been a long time since i did that. 
31: Can you change the oil on a car? Probably if i tried, but why try when you have a husband to do that kind of work? :)
32: Ever gotten a speeding ticket? Yup. 
33: Ever ran out of gas? More then once, sadly. Ya i know...Don't even say it. 
34: Favorite kind of sandwich? Club, or Ham sub from subway. Or an Italian sub from Julian Bros. 
35: Best thing to eat for breakfast? I'm not big on breakfast food at breakfast time. I enjoy pancakes though. 
36: What is your usual bedtime? Sometime after 8am lately. Can't seem to fall asleep early at all. Or ever lately. Incredibly annoying...
37: Are you lazy? I don't prefer to call it lazy, i call it selective working. :)
38: When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for Halloween? Many different things, witch, cheerleader, bunny, it was always different. 
39: What is your Chinese astrological sign? Rat!
40: How many languages can you speak? 1, some words in other languages. 
41: Do you have any magazine subscriptions? Nope
42: Which are better Lego's or Lincoln logs? Legos!
43: Are you stubborn? Very
44: Who is better...Leno or Letterman? Leno
45: Ever watch soap operas? Yep, days of our lives since i was about 10. That's the only read soap opera i watch. Rest are evening drama shows. Like my fav One tree hill. 
46: Are you afraid of heights? Yes
47: Do you sing in the car? definitely
48: Do you sing in the shower? yea
49: Do you dance in the car? Occasionally
50: Ever used a gun? Yup my dad taught me to shoot a long time ago. With a riffle. Haven't in years though.  
51: Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? Our wedding. 
52: Do you think musicals are cheesy? YES
53: Is Christmas stressful? Ya it is. 
54: Ever eat a pierogi? Yes i didn't really like it.  
55: Favorite type of fruit pie? I don't like pie at all. 
56: Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? meteorologist, Veterinarian, Psychologist. 
57: Do you believe in ghosts? Yes
58: Ever have a Deja-vu feeling? Alot
59: Take a vitamin daily? When i remember. I always did when i was working. Harder to remember when you are home frequently. 
60: Wear slippers? Sometimes. 
61: Wear a bath robe? no
62: What do you wear to bed? tshirt, and really comfy pajama pants. 
63: First concert? ZZ Top, I was forced to go with my mom and step dad at the time. But i got to go to my choice of concerts next. It was No doubt. 
64: Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart? Walmart, most variety. 
65: Nike or Adidas? Adidas
66: Cheetos Or Fritos? Frito's
67: Peanuts or Sunflower seeds? peanuts
68: Ever hear of the group Tres Bien? no
69: Ever take dance lessons? Ya when i was like 6. lol
70: Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing? Future spouse? Hmm
71: Can you curl your tongue? I could before i got my tongue pierced....
72: Ever won a spelling bee? No i was close though. When i was like 8. 
73: Have you ever cried because you were so happy? Ya
74: Own any record albums? No
75: Own a record player? Yes, But its my dads now. 
76: Regularly burn incense? No way man. I have horrible allergies, i cant stand them! 
77: Ever been in love? Yea
78: Who would you like to see in concert? Linkin park again. Always put on a great show. 
79: What was the last concert you saw? Linkin Park. 
80: Hot tea or cold tea? I cant stand tea. 
81: Tea or coffee? Coffee.  
82: Sugar or snickerdoodles? chocolate chip
83: Can you swim well? Eh
84: Can you hold your breath without holding your nose? Yea but i choose not to. 
85: Are you patient? Not at all. 
86: DJ or band, at a wedding? I wanted a DJ, but we got a radio instead. Had a really small wedding.
87: Ever won a contest? Not that I can think of. 
88: Ever have plastic surgery? No
89: Which are better black or green olives? Black
90: Can you knit or crochet? No
91: Best room for a fireplace? Living room. 
92: Do you want to get married? Already did
93: If married, how long have you been married? 2 years on Feb 13th. 
94: Who was your HS crush? Don't remember
95: Do you cry and throw a fit until you get your own way? I used to...
96: Do you have kids? sadly no, just 3 fur-babies. but its not without lack of trying.....
97: Do you want kids? Yes, ASAP. 
98: Whats your favorite color? Blue
99: Do you miss anyone right now? ..................

Opening blog....Infertility sucks.

You know, all your life you're told that you fall in love, get married and then start a family. No where in that were we told that it may never happen. We are forced to believe that is what we do, and that's it. Nothing about how hard it will be or problems that may arise, hardships. Our parents act like we are not a gift. Like we are a burden alot of the time. I always thought that i would have children by now. Growing up i always wanted a family. My teenage years, i didn't much care for children. But who does at that age? But that changes as we get older. That desire for a child gets stronger and stronger. It doesn't matter where you are in life when you want to start having children. You want it, and you want it now. When it takes a few years through all the time you are trying, it just gets harder and harder to see everyone else we know having children. Not to mention the 16 year old that pop babies out like puppies. But us adults that are married and really WANT children CANT. Its bullshit. Now I'm not normally the kind of person that questions things. Well no i lied i am. I have always questioned everything, all the time. I always wondered why things are the way they are, and so on and so on. But now that I've been hit with this infertility bullet, i am questioning so much more. I am beginning to wonder about many things in life. It does not make sense to me that someone who wants and hurts for a child, cant have one. But people that don't want them are able to get pregnant and they abuse that privilege. They have abortions, or have the child and resent it for ruining their lives. A child is not something to take lightly it is a full time job, your life will change. But its all worth it. I may never know what its like to have a child, but i get to watch people take advantage and complain and complain about their kids and problems with motherhood, i want to slap them. GET OVER YOURSELF. It is heartless. But people are heartless, more often then not. Empathy is not something people have lots of or any for that matter. Its bullshit, life is bullshit.


 That's pretty much how i am feeling lately. I will go into detail about it more later. But i am pissed. When i first started this journey i knew it wasn't going to be easy, but i didn't realize that the longer it goes on how the pain gets worse and worse. The imaginary things you have in your head keep getting worse. You imagine what it would be like to have a child. How you will tell your husband that you are pregnant, what colors to decorate the nursery, baby names. ya i have that all figured out. You watch all the baby shows about labor and delivery so when you go in to see your Dr you know what they are talking about.  You research everything. & for what? Disappointment. In life you work for something and then you get it. Its that easy, but when you are doing everything that you can and for it to not happen, i don't understand that. I've never had things handed to me my entire life, I've had to work for everything i have. But you get a reward for all that work. All this work to have a child is not resulting in anything, but more and more disappointment. Insanity doing the same thing again and again and expecting different results. That's what this is. But when you want something that badly how do you just give up? You cant. Even though sometimes the heartache you get going through this journey, its hard to not just say I'm done, i cant do this anymore. But when you look at your life and think you may never ever know what its like to hold your own child in your arms, its breaks your heart and gives you the strength to keep going. Cause i cant fathom that, i just cant. It sucks. Infertility sucks.


Reading alot of other IF blogs, i now realize that i am in fact NOT alone in my journey. Even though most of the time you feel that you are. Not many people understand what you're going through, and that's not their fault. So i don't blame them. Sometimes the things that are said hurt more then help. Most of the time you have to bite your tongue to not lash out. Because you know its not THEIR fault. Granted they were trying to help, but sometime you just need to say I'm sorry and I'm here for you. That's it, cause are there really any words to help someone through this journey? No there aren't. IF is loss, grief, just like when you lose a loved one, there are not words to help get through that. This is similar. You are grieving over something you do not have. Or may never have. Its hard, and it sucks. So that's why i started this blog, to get things out that i cant seem to say. & hopefully find some friends that are going through the same thing.


Thanks anyone who is reading this. :)

First Blog

This isn't going to be much of a blog to start. But i will start posting more as i warm up to having a blog, and really talking about things that i am having trouble expressing. If that makes any sense. This blog will focus alot on my struggle through infertility and probably alot of rambling. But my first post is a story i found that actually made me tear up, and i don't generally cry. For reasons i will get into at a later date. But i leave you with this. I'm not sure where i found it, i emailed it to myself a while back, but it really really spoke to me....:)

Chocolate Cake

Imagine yourself dressed up in your finest clothes. You and your sweet husband are attending a dinner together in one of the nicest restaurants in town. You both have planned, waited and saved for this evening. To say the least, you are very excited! You and your husband arrive and the atmosphere is more than you expected. Everyone around you is having a good time. The chandeliers are sparkling, candles are glowing and sweet soft music is playing in the background. To your pleasant surprise you see others there you know. You are seated with them and in your heart you think there just couldn't be anything better!


The table is just exquisite. Breathtaking really. The people at your table begin to talk to you in jolly conversation. You glance at the menu and you don't even know where to begin! You look over everything slowly and carefully, especially the dessert menu! All of your life you have been hearing about this restaurant's marvelous and divine desserts. Deep in your heart, you have been looking forward to enjoying dessert the most!

Everyone at your table orders their food. For dessert they all order chocolate cake. You think, "Hey that sounds perfect. I'll have chocolate cake too please."

The waiter nods in approval and quickly swifts off to put in your order. In the meantime, you are still enjoying the surroundings, the music and the company. You grab your husband's hand and sigh "Yes, life just couldn't get any better."

The food comes and everything looks just pleasing. Some of the things you tasted you really love, some of the things you didn't. Either way, you know that dessert is on its way. That thought in and of itself is just exciting! Then you see him, your waiter! Your wonderful, blessed waiter with a silver tray full of plates of chocolate cake! He comes and starts handing out plates to those you know. You look at the cake and to put it simply, it looks just divine. You're even more excited now! The waiter comes to your side and then passes you and your husband. You are shocked and think there must be some mistake. you don't know what to do, but rather than make a fuss you think, "Just wait, I will get my chocolate cake soon too."

Those that have their dessert are going on and on about how amazing the taste is. You smile, you are truly happy for them. Deep down you are anxious and their feelings only feed your curiosity and desire. Then you see the waiter again and think, "Ahhh, here he is." You notice that he starts handing out seconds and thirds to those that have already had their piece of cake. Your husband doesn't notice, he's busy chatting with the fellow next to him! Deep down though you get a sick feeling in the pit of your stomach. You know something is wrong, something is very, very wrong.

You ask the waiter, "Excuse me please. Where is my chocolate cake that I ordered"? The waiter just replies, "The baker has said that you must wait." He rushes off and not another word is said. Time goes on. You still enjoy the surroundings, the people and the conversations. All the while though, you can't get chocolate cake out of your mind. Time keeps creeping by and soon your husband notices too, "Where is our dessert?" You hold his hand and look into his loving eyes and think, "Even without chocolate cake, life is still good."

Time, however, creeps and it creeps. At moments it seems like it has even stopped. It's getting late and people are noticing you haven't received your dessert yet. Questions start arising and you just don't know how to respond. You look around other tables and notice that people are also getting their third, fourth and fifth servings of dessert. "Why" is all you have to lean upon.

You notice that others have ordered things for dessert besides chocolate cake. There is cherry pie, brownie ice cream sundaes, raspberry cheesecakes and such. They seem just as pleased, if not more pleased with their desserts and you wonder, "Should I order cherry pie too"? You talk to the waiter and he simply says, "I'm sorry ma'am, you just need to be patient and wait."

You are starting to burn inside. Despite all of your best efforts you are beginning to boil. You really want to jump on top of the table and stomp while shouting, "Where is my chocolate cake?" You don't though because you know that will get you no where! Instead you look around and notice that there are some that are refusing their chocolate cake. "It will make me fat" one says. "Ugh. I have enough already" another states. One woman, simply dumps her beautiful chocolate cake onto the floor.

As you look deeper around you, you notice there are a few others that are waiting too. Your heart goes out to them. You smile and wish there was something more you could do. You know their pain and it hurts. It really hurts.

Finally, the waiter comes and he has chocolate cake on that familiar beautiful silver platter...and he has enough for two. One for your husband and one for you! Your so elated with joy that you can't hardly stand it!!! You tell everyone at your table and they are just as happy for you. "We knew it would happen" they say. "You just needed to relax"! Little did they know that deep inside relaxing was the last thing you were feeling! You look at your husband. Tears are in both of your eyes. You carefully take a taste. It's such sweet, sweet perfection. You go to take another and just before you do the waiter comes and gently takes your plates away. "Something is wrong" he says. "Don't worry my dear, the time is soon."

There's confusion. Sadness. Anger. Above all though, you are just deeply and truly heartbroken. Heartbroken to the very core. You don't know what to do. You turn to others for support. They cry with you and too ask why. You take a deep breath and find the strength to go on. You have been given the promise that you will receive dessert. It is just not understood as to when. You decide to put your full trust in the baker. You reach far inside within yourself and find the effort to ask your husband to dance.

He looks at you and smiles..."Yes, I would love to dance with you my dear one." You both get up, leave the table and set off to dance.

As you are dancing, you get your bearings. You again begin to notice your surroundings. The beautiful surroundings that have so magically grabbed your attention in the first place. You remember the music, the sounds, the smell of the sweet flowers. You breath. That's all you can do. You breath and slowly begin to enjoy the moment again. Slowly, it all comes back to you. The things you love. Being with the person you love the most. The pains you have just felt are still there. Still vulnerable, but you feel life again. Yes, life is still good.

After quite a few dances, you both decide it's time to sit at your table. People still have their desserts and their chocolate cakes. Your space is still empty. You decide, however, to really focus on those around you. In doing so you find more joy. The desire for dessert is still there- but it's manageable. Time moves on.

Then suddenly, out of nowhere, your waiter appears. He has the biggest smile on his face. He is pleased to announce that you and your husband's dessert is finally here!! Your heart wells up with joy, but you're afraid too. You ask the waiter, "Will you take it away"? "No, this one was made especially for you."

You smile back, hardly believing that this could be true or real. You look at it and it's not a dessert you have ever seen before. It's then that you realize that the baker has made a dessert with all of your favorite colors and flavors. Careful detail was lovingly taken into every consideration. "How did He know that this is exactly what I wanted"? The waiter just smiles and says, "Because he knows and loves you." If you look, you can see him there. You look and at the door, through the little round window you see a gentle man with tears in his eyes. He is grinning from ear to ear and looking at you and your husband. You can't hardly see anymore because of all of the happy tears. You whisper a big "Thank You" and in your heart you feel that this simple phrase will never be enough.

You look at the people around you, they too have tears in their eyes. They too are smiling from ear to ear. Everything is so precious and tender now- even more so than when you first arrived here. It's then that you learn that the pains you have felt all along the way. The waiting, the crying, the agony. It's all been a special recipe to make this moment this much more wonderful and sacred.

In your soul you take a deep breath and slowly let out a big sigh of gratitude.
You grab your husband's hand and sigh again, "Yes, life just couldn't get any better."