Rant

I apologize in advance for anyone reading this, its a very whiny rant. Really struggling right now....

One of the hardest things in dealing with infertility is watching EVERYONE and i mean EVERYONE else you see, experience something you want so badly. It seems the more you are aware of something the more you notice it. Everywhere i turn, whether its on facebook, TV commercials, TV shows. Friends, family. Everywhere, there is someone announcing a pregnancy, a birth, talk of their babies. All the things i long for. I am not mad or anything at the people who are able to have kids. Not at all. Jealous, of course. But i don't feel hate or anything for them. They're very lucky. So don't get me wrong (anyone reading this with kids), just don't take them for granted. Because alot of people out there would die for what you have.  But everywhere you turn you find out someone else is pregnant, even right now as i typed this I'm watching e news and theres a celebrity announcement. See i tell you, every minute. It's like a dagger to my heart that i cant have that. Reading post talking about the most amazing feeling in the world is having a child. Feels like someone stabbed me. The hardest is not anyone understanding what you're going through. That gets me alot. Because its rare to find anyone who really knows what you're going through. No one should have to walk on eggshells  around me or anything. Just be a bit more sensitive. Maybe ask how i am doing. But seems no one does. Family wont even acknowledge what is going on. All i hear is when the time is right. Well, ya that's not exactly helpful at all. Sometimes, I'm sorry just goes a long way. But basically after hearing my diagnosis all i hear from anyone is well I'm glad its nothing serious. Well it is to me. Its a huge deal. I basically heard what makes me feel like my whole future is worth NOTHING. That's how it feels to me. Makes me wonder why i am here. Because this is the best it will get for me. Unless i have enough money, and no one can bank on having enough money to do the procedure before time is out. Its not like women have forever to wait. How come getting pregnant comes so easily to so many, but for me it will most likely never happen naturally? Only if we have enough money to MAKE it happen. Just doesn't seem right, or fair. Whatever. I cant really explain a time when I've felt more alone. I feel like i don't really have anyone to talk to. My husband doesn't understand what I'm going through. My dad wont even really talk about it. Which that's just how he is, he makes jokes about everything and just doesn't address really serious things. Even though i do think he is more of the more sensitive men out there. But i don't think men of any kind really know what to say, or do. I don't talk to my mom very much, so i def wont turn to her. Best friends all have kids, so they try to understand, but cant really understand. I don't blame anyone, and i am not mad at anyone for not really understanding. I am just ranting here. I do get quite a bit annoyed with my husband, but i think that's normal. & that goes further than this. LOL OK sorry for the rant. Just don't really know the point of this post is but just needed to get this out.

On another note, today would have been my momow's 94th birthday. Happy birthday momow, i miss you more than anything. I miss spending your birthday with you every year, i miss shopping for the best gift for you. Usually something homemade. Something to show you how much you mean to me. Miss you. Love you.

It is also my best friends daughters 2nd bday! They sure grow up fast!

Thanks for reading, tomorrow is my anniversary. 3 years, 3 drama filled difficult years, outlook looks like we're in for a rough road.

Thanks for reading,
Krystal

Choices, Momow. Regret.

Do you ever look at your past and wonder, if you would have taken a different path. Made a different choice, how different life might be right now? Everything you do in your life gets you right where you are now. Many people are happy with where they are now. But I am not. I am stuck wondering about how different things might be, had I made some different decisions. & not about any one thing In particular. Just many different decisions in the last 12 years.

I've been thinking alot about Momow lately. Alot more than usual. I miss her more and more as time goes by. Lately I have been having so many memories of her just flood into my head. I dream about her all the time. I know that time heals all wounds, but this wound seems to be getting deeper and deeper the longer It gets. She was an incredible woman and the best Momow I could ever ask for. I still can't believe she's gone. It will be 6 years this September. Sometimes I will just be able to place myself into her house, standing in her kitchen. Remembering every little detail of her house. I see us sitting on the couch visiting and talking like we always did. Or at the kitchen table. I hear her voice, I hear the things she says to me. It's like it was yesterday. Then I realize I will never have that again. It's like I am just now realizing what happened. And that she's really never coming back. I don't think I ever dealt with her death before, I always avoided it. Because the realization is just too hard to bear. I wish I would have spent more time with her towards the end. I try to pinpoint the last time I saw her. I usually saw her every week a couple times a week. But things are getting foggy. I called her every day to make sure she was ok, no matter what. I didn't miss a call for years. But I wonder if the night she went into the hospital and never came back out. I can't remember if I talked to her that night. I know I was sick. That much I remember, but did I call to check on her? This has always bothered me. I miss her like crazy. & I really really need her right now. Her guidance, her advice, her believing in me. She's the only one who did. She was my biggest supporter. I loved her more than anything, & now that I'm going thru some very hard stuff with the infertility, I need her now more than ever. But I know she can't be here. I just hope she's looking down on me and even if she can't be with me in the physical world. I hope she's with me spiritually. I sure wish she could send me a sign. I love u Momow. & I am missing u more than words can say. <\3

Love, Krystal