Whoops

Well, I've been neglecting this blog pretty badly. Basically because no one reads it anyways, plus nothing much to say. Really don't know if I want to be very open about a lot of things anymore. I've become a very private person lately. If you ask I will tell, but I don't put much out there. 

One thing that's bugging me lately and it probably has a lot to do with me being more private, is people using Facebook as their diaries!! I feel like people post so much of their lives for the whole world to see all day long. Because of this I barely read my feed anymore, mostly because I've recently realized I just don't care. I'm not talking about big life events, I'm referring to little tiny rants about the most ridiculous things. I used to be guilty of this myself, but sometime recently I realized that people read that and they get a very bad impression of you. I don't want anyone reading my page and going holy crap, she's got issues. I'd prefer to slide in under the radar with my issues because obviously I may have a few. Some may say a whole truck load, but that's life. I've realized lately that no one has it easy, no ones life is perfect. Even the most perfect appearing people have their own problems. We just don't know about it, because they don't announce them on Facebook!! I guess this blog is basically about Facebook and actually I'm Not even sure why. Well hang in there, maybe I will get something interesting in here. 

The past 2 years without my dad have been very hard, but that is to be expected. It's all of a sudden you realize you're living a new life, your old life is gone. The old person you used to be is gone. you are a new version of yourself. Because everything changes. You entered the storm as one person and you come out a completely changed person. Is that person a better version or worse? Well that is to still be determined. Has the storm passed? Certainly not, but I am definitely not the same person I was over 2 years ago. Death changes you, it changes EVERYTHING. 

The husband and I are still trying to get our family started, but just more hurdles at every turn. I'll maybe go into that more at some point, but for now I think I'll just keep that to myself. Like I said, I'm In a private mood lately. 

I don't even know what I went on here to write. Just basically to say hello, im still here. So if anyone reads this, hello!! But as I suspect no one does. 

Alright I'm Off for now this app on my phone for this is really annoying. It keeps havjng me type the words below where I can see them. So if you see a lot of typos I'm Sorry. I don't feel like editing this right now.

Off to try to sleep, oh insomnia you're killing me!! 

I'll Write soon! 

~K 

Seriously!

Just saw this online. SERIOUS! Always so cautious, why wasn't I an irresponsible teenager/20something? Sigh. 

1 year.....

Around this time today 1 year ago, I spoke to my dad for the last time. I had no idea It would be the last time we'd speak. He wasn't feeling better, we talked about me taking him to the ER he wanted to give it more time and would think about it as see how he felt. I urged him to let me take him. He joked about knowing a nurse to get him an IV I worried he was dehydrated. He said he would wait and see how he felt later. That was the last time I spoke to him, sometime between that call around 8am and the next morning at around 9am he was gone. We don't know why, we don't know how, we don't even know when. He was gone when I got there the next morning. 

This past year has been the worst I could imagine. Losing my dad was the worst thing I've ever had to go through. The pain, the guilt that if I had just forced him to go, that is something I will never ever get over. I can't believe it's been a year since he's been gone. Me and my dad had the father daughter relationship many dream of. He meant everything to me. He was there for me through everything. No matter how big or small he was always there. His humor, his laugh, his smile, it was everything that was good and kind and genuine in a person. I'm very lucky he was my dad, and that I had him to myself for all those 28 years.

I will miss you forever dad, I will never understand why & how you are truly gone. If I had known that was my last conversation I would have had with you, the things i would have said. I wish you would have known how much of an amazing father to me you were. How much you meant to me. How grateful I am to you for all you've done my entire life. So many things I couldn't even begin to explain. This week has been very hard. You got sick on the 2nd and you were gone on the 7th. Why couldn't it just have been a flu like we thought? He meant so much to so many people. I love you dad, forever and always. I wish we had more time with you......missing you always dad.

Angel Catcher

So my best friend got me this book for x-mas called the Angel Catcher, its a journal of loss and remembrance. It asks questions about your loved ones and you can journal memories, etc about them. I think i might answer the journal questions here. I will also put them in the book. I sat down here to start on it, but i think the NyQuil has kicked in. So i think, i will come back and finish this tomorrow. 2 days until that horrible horrible day. I can't believe it has been a year already. How am i still functioning without you dad? How is the world still spinning without you in it? I don't understand, i never will. I miss you so much, more than i could ever say. More than i can type, more than i can express to anyone. I am verbally unable to out into words how much you are missed and loved. Life will never be the same without you.....never. I will never be the same without you.....

I miss you like hell. I hope somehow, someway you are still with me...

1 year....

I can't believe it is already March. It has been one year today the last time I ever took my dad out to dinner. March 1st, it was a Friday evening as like every weekend. We would pick him up and take him to eat. We had out favorite place country chef in Troy. We went there, I had lasagna as I always do. My dad had veal parm I believe. The seniors one, the senior portion is huge. I believe it was veal parm. He was his happy joyful self telling jokes happy as can be. His job was extending longer and was glad to be getting back on his feet. See my dad was a plumber, he worked for the union. He made very good money. But the last few years in Michigan it's been slow. Anyways, we talked and had a good time. Little did I know that was the very last time we'd go out to dinner with him. It was one of my favorite things to look forward to. We would talk about whatever came to mind. I remember showing him a picture I had just took of marley (our dog), spooning my husband. I set it up. I might include pic. Actually I think I will. Husband will not be happy, but he doesn't read this. It will be at the bottom. He laughed at it. My dad was just as happy as can be. I had no idea the dark cloud was headed his way. I had no clue. We had a great dinner as always. Then we dropped him off at home. My husband probably borrowed some of his hunter sausages from him as he always did. My dad always had hunter sausages. Nom. My dad made jokes in the car as he always did. He was truly one of the best people to be around. He was excited about the jimmy Marvin benefit coming up the next day. That Saturday. Looking back, I can't believe what happened did. He was fine! He wanted for me and my husband to go to the benefit the next day since the famiky goes, but I said no. Too many people I really didn't care to see. :/ I wish I wish I would have went. Maybe I could have noticed some signs. I don't even know. What I do know, is that day with him out to eat was a good day. Had I of known it was my last meal with my dad, I would have said or done something so he knew just how much he meant to me.

The world has just kept moving this past year, but i still feel like I am standing still. This world I am living in, doesn't seen like mine. Because what kind if world is this without such an amazing genuine person like my dad? I am not me anymore. Because the person I was when my dad was here is gone. He made me a better person. He lit up the room with his laughter and smile. He had the sense of humor you couldn't help but notice. He was the best man I knew. Times keeps moving on, but I'm still standing still. Others have moved on, and that pisses me off. How do you not care? How do you just go on and not mention him? I guess I am bitter, I'm mad, I'm depressed and I just want my dad back. 

I don't even know where I was going with this. It's choppy and probably has some spelling errors. But whatever. I'll edit later.

Dad if I had known that was the last happy time id seen you, I would have enjoyed out visit much longer. I would have really listened to want you were saying. I wouldn't have taken it for granted. I miss you more now, and it's just getting worse. I love you dad. You forever be the biggest part of me. Thanks for being my dad. I was the luckiest girl in the world. It broke my heart to lose you, it's a pain no one could understand. They say life goes on, and it does, but it's never the same. Ever. 

The pic me and my dad discussed at dinner. 

Judgement

It's been a while since I have written anything. I just wanted to write a little something. Things around here have been very very tough. Christmas is next week, thanksgiving was last month. The holidays without my dad have been extremely hard. I don't want to celebrate, what is there to celebrate this year? I lost my heart. 

I was watching Long Island medium as I usually do. & I know this might get cryptic . But she was talking to a sister who had found her sister dead. They were mentioning, I can't remember exactly what was said. But Theresa was talking to them about how the sister who passed away said about her sister that found her, that nothing could ever explain the absolute devastation she felt in that moment when she found her. And that about sums it up. They went Into details about it. And I'm right back there. I can't stop thinking about it. I try so hard not to. But it's a constant memory. One I wish I could remove. And Theresa was exactly right, nothing or no one will ever understand that devastation in that moment. The feeling, there's no explaining that. There's no way too. And u can ask people to try and imagine how bad that would be, if that happened to them. If that was their dad. But most people can't. & that brings me to the other part of my blog I wanted to talk about. 

Judgement, for things I have done since I lost my dad, how I've handled his estate, how I've handled things. No one, no one will ever understand what I have gone through since I lost my dad. I am an only child, my dad was never married. So everything, every decision, every action had to be done by me. My dad didnt have a will. Many people don't. I never thought he'd be going anywhere anytime soon. If I could have had it my way I would have died before him. I couldn't imagine a life without my dad in it. I don't know what this is, but it's not my life. My old life is gone. Replaced by a whole new way of living. So much of my life was built around my dad. I don't even know what way is up. Anyways, I am doing the best that I can here. I wish more people understood that. This is hard as hell living without him. With that said, if u have a problem with anything I am doing, keep it to yourself. It is none of your business. I don't need to hear it. Until you are faced with a similar situation. Which I hope no one else is. Don't talk to me about how I am wrong. You have no idea what I am going though!! 

Krystal 

How?

How is it I am living in a world without my dad in it? How am I still here? Why? I'm focusing all my energy into remodeling his house, for him. I know he's not there to live in it. But it needs to be perfect for him. I miss him so much, I can't even explain it. I can't understand it, and I don't want to believe it. It's been 7 months since I saw him. I just can't fathom him truly being gone. 

That's all I can muster today.