2 months...

Today at right about this time was the last time I spoke to my dad. Had I of known that it would be the last time, I can't even begin to tell you everything I would have said, what I would have done to save him. He's been gone for 2 months now. Even though we don't know Exactly when he passed away. It was anytime between 7am march 6th and 9am march 7th when I found him. & I will never know. I'll never know what happened. I am having an extremely hard time accepting that he is gone. That I will never speak to him again. That I will never see him again. I just don't understand it at all. I know they say you need to go on after you lose someone but I'm finding that very hard right now, cause what's the point? He was the one I called about everything. If anything good happens I called him first, same think if anything bad did. Who do I call now?

I keep saying I need to find a way to move on. But what's the point? Does it even matter? Nothing does without him. If I go on and succeed at my dreams, he won't be here to see it. If I ever end up having children he won't be here to see them. They will never meet him. He would have been the best grandfather out there. He was amazing with kids. Completely amazing. He couldn't wait for me to have. Children. Now I don't see the point. Everything is changed. Time keeps moving forward and I'm still standing still. I still feel like I'm in some sort of a nightmare that I just can't wake up from. Everything is so surreal.

They say live your life with no regrets. I am being overloaded with regret. Guilt. It's taking over me. Each day goes by ok, until that moment where I hear his ringtone on my phone in a public place, or on a TV show and it just stops u right in your tracks, and u remember it & it feels like someone put a dagger in your heart. Or you want to do something, or I want to tell him something and I remember I can't and the pain is getting too much to take. Its overwhelming.

What does it matter without my dad, does anything anymore? Cause I don't think so.
Miss you so much dad. Love you.

Until next time,
Krystal