Not dealing

Well, I've been trying to get by lately by not thinking about what happened. And it's been working well. But then it all comes back. I have alot to do to get my dads house cleaned out and ready to go in. & every week I say I'm going to work on it this weekend and go back inside, then the weekend comes and I can't face it. Everyone is offering to go in and get started without me, but I don't want anyone going in without me. I want to look around and see if I can find out what happened. I need answers. I need to know what happened. I just can't quit thinking about it. I can't keep thinking and wondering had I of just done something more he would still be here.

Going Into his house and going thru his things makes this all real, it makes it final, and I'm not ready to accept that now. Maybe never. I can't face this. I know I have to. But I just can't. I have to face that I found him. i have to face that he's really gone. I have to face everything & I don't want to. Ever. It's too much. I can't see past where I am now and where I go from here. How do I live without him? How do I face all that has happened. I know alot of people are saying they'll go in without me. But I don't want that. I worry people might do it without even telling me. I don't want that and I can't be pushed too hard. I may never get the answers I need. But I want to try. Maybe I will see something in his house that will give me a clue to something. There's so much that doesn't make sense about any of this.

It doesn't seem real still. I feel like time is moving but I'm still standing still. I don't know how to live, I don't know how to be. I know I need to work on his house and get things cleaned and cleared out. But I can't imagine going into the house and him not being there. I get to the driveway and I freeze, I can't even get out of the car anymore. I am just frozen there. I'm trying to get the courage to face it. But I don't know how. I wish people would just back off. When I am ready I will let them know.. I am very grateful for everyone who wants to help. But I just can't yet. & if anyone goes in there without my consent I will be extremely upset. I'm so lost right now, and I can't face it. I don't want to. I don't know what I'm going to do. We have to be out of here soon, and I know we have to get things moving. But I just can't.

Krystal