Opening blog....Infertility sucks.

You know, all your life you're told that you fall in love, get married and then start a family. No where in that were we told that it may never happen. We are forced to believe that is what we do, and that's it. Nothing about how hard it will be or problems that may arise, hardships. Our parents act like we are not a gift. Like we are a burden alot of the time. I always thought that i would have children by now. Growing up i always wanted a family. My teenage years, i didn't much care for children. But who does at that age? But that changes as we get older. That desire for a child gets stronger and stronger. It doesn't matter where you are in life when you want to start having children. You want it, and you want it now. When it takes a few years through all the time you are trying, it just gets harder and harder to see everyone else we know having children. Not to mention the 16 year old that pop babies out like puppies. But us adults that are married and really WANT children CANT. Its bullshit. Now I'm not normally the kind of person that questions things. Well no i lied i am. I have always questioned everything, all the time. I always wondered why things are the way they are, and so on and so on. But now that I've been hit with this infertility bullet, i am questioning so much more. I am beginning to wonder about many things in life. It does not make sense to me that someone who wants and hurts for a child, cant have one. But people that don't want them are able to get pregnant and they abuse that privilege. They have abortions, or have the child and resent it for ruining their lives. A child is not something to take lightly it is a full time job, your life will change. But its all worth it. I may never know what its like to have a child, but i get to watch people take advantage and complain and complain about their kids and problems with motherhood, i want to slap them. GET OVER YOURSELF. It is heartless. But people are heartless, more often then not. Empathy is not something people have lots of or any for that matter. Its bullshit, life is bullshit.


 That's pretty much how i am feeling lately. I will go into detail about it more later. But i am pissed. When i first started this journey i knew it wasn't going to be easy, but i didn't realize that the longer it goes on how the pain gets worse and worse. The imaginary things you have in your head keep getting worse. You imagine what it would be like to have a child. How you will tell your husband that you are pregnant, what colors to decorate the nursery, baby names. ya i have that all figured out. You watch all the baby shows about labor and delivery so when you go in to see your Dr you know what they are talking about.  You research everything. & for what? Disappointment. In life you work for something and then you get it. Its that easy, but when you are doing everything that you can and for it to not happen, i don't understand that. I've never had things handed to me my entire life, I've had to work for everything i have. But you get a reward for all that work. All this work to have a child is not resulting in anything, but more and more disappointment. Insanity doing the same thing again and again and expecting different results. That's what this is. But when you want something that badly how do you just give up? You cant. Even though sometimes the heartache you get going through this journey, its hard to not just say I'm done, i cant do this anymore. But when you look at your life and think you may never ever know what its like to hold your own child in your arms, its breaks your heart and gives you the strength to keep going. Cause i cant fathom that, i just cant. It sucks. Infertility sucks.


Reading alot of other IF blogs, i now realize that i am in fact NOT alone in my journey. Even though most of the time you feel that you are. Not many people understand what you're going through, and that's not their fault. So i don't blame them. Sometimes the things that are said hurt more then help. Most of the time you have to bite your tongue to not lash out. Because you know its not THEIR fault. Granted they were trying to help, but sometime you just need to say I'm sorry and I'm here for you. That's it, cause are there really any words to help someone through this journey? No there aren't. IF is loss, grief, just like when you lose a loved one, there are not words to help get through that. This is similar. You are grieving over something you do not have. Or may never have. Its hard, and it sucks. So that's why i started this blog, to get things out that i cant seem to say. & hopefully find some friends that are going through the same thing.


Thanks anyone who is reading this. :)