All over the place, i dont even know anymore....

Have you ever found yourself at a crossroads in your life? Laying awake at night, every night trying to decide what you should do? Well that's what is happening with me lately. I'm so confused, i don't know what to do with my life anymore. I don't know what i want at all. I know what i want more than anything is to have a child. But since i cant do anything to make that happen, i need to have a back up plan. It may happen sometime in the future, but i also need to accept that it may never happen. So what do i want to do? I know i don't want to be at any dead end job. I want a career, something flexible. Also i don't want to be stuck inside all the time behind a desk. I've been thinking alot of realty, i think i would love to be a real estate agent. But will i actually do it? I have no clue.

Woke up today, and while trying to go back to sleep i had a vision of my momow who passed away 4.5 years ago. We were very very very close. She meant everything to me. I was just thinking how great it would be to be able to talk to her about this. She always helped me with anything that i couldn't decide about. she wanted nothing more than for me to be happy. She pushed me to succeed at things, and to not give up. Now i don't really have anyone to do that. She was the best person I've ever known. It just occurred to me in my vision of her that i wont ever get the chance to do that again. I mean I've known and i often think that, but today it hit me hard. Maybe because i have so much going on inside my head that i don't know what to do or who to talk to.I miss her everyday. I wish i could just talk to her and see her again. But i know that's not possible. I'm not a sap but today, I'm feeling very weak. I miss my momow, more than words can say.

I cant sleep at night, i just end up laying there. I think about so many things all the time. My brain refuses to shut off. I wish i could run away from it. Just get away from it all. But you cant run from yourself. I think maybe I've been running from myself and my feelings for a very long time. I am not an emotional person. I cant just cry easily. I cant just turn to a family member or friend or my husband and talk about whats bothering me. I am a very closed off person. If something is wrong, i just don't talk about it. Maybe that is my problem. I keep everything inside. Maybe that is what is wrong. I cant open up. I guess that is what this blog is for. To talk about things i cant actually say out loud. Maybe it will help me cope? We will see, i guess its better than nothing.

I've been trying to eat better and exercise to get in better shape also, which is hard but I'm doing it. Its been about 7 weeks since i started, its a slow process but in the end the journey is the destination. I am the only one who can change me, i know this. But i took the first step. Its a life change, i want to be healthy. I wasn't unhealthy before, but i was over weight. So here's to getting fit and feeling better! And if it does help me end up getting pregnant in the long run, then it will all be worth it. And if it doesn't i can still be happy that i am healthy for me.

Husband and i haven't been actively trying to conceive lately. Too much heartbreak, i have 3 more clomid rounds i can do, but after that i am done. There is nothing else my ob can do from her stand point. I have to go to an RE which is fine, except my insurance doesn't cover ANYTHING so i will have to pay out of pocket and lets face it, theres no way we can afford that right now. So i guess those rounds are my last hope. I'm delaying using them because the heartbreak you get after trying, just to see lovely AF appear is just heartbreaking, and basically I'm not ready for that kind of pain again. My whole life has just been a series of disappointments ever since i was a small child. So what do i expect in this? To get pregnant easily like so many others do. Of course it wont be easy for me, nothing in my life has been. :/

I often wonder how my life might have been had i of choose another path. What if i stayed in high school and went to college, what if i wasn't on so much birth control would i have been pregnant years ago before marriage? (which i didn't want). I've always been the cautious one. Was always on birth control as soon as i started having sex at 17. Is that why i cant get pregnant now? What did i do to deserve this? I watch so many other people getting pregnant so simply, but i cant. Its just not fair. I don't even know where i was going with this anyways. Just rambling away. I do that, quite frequently.

There are so many what ifs in life, so many. They float through my head on a daily basis. What if what if what it. Those kind of thoughts are crushing to think about. Because you will never know the answers. I wish i could fix myself. Just to be able to be happy. Happiness is a fleeting feeling. Many people run after it, search for it, search forever for it. But what if it is unattainable? True utter happiness. Can one really be truly happy? I don't even know.

I don't know quite what the point of this blog was about, other than to just sit here and get all these thoughts going on inside my head out. Maybe after this i can actually go to sleep. Sure would be nice. I hope my momow visits me in my dreams. Come to me and tell me everything will be OK. I need to hear your voice. I need your hugs. I miss you so much.

Thanks for listening anyone who read thru this whole thing. :)

Krystal

I leave you with a poem that's been in my head that reminded me of my momow.

I thought of you with love today
but that is nothing new
I thought about you yesterday
and days before that too,

I think of you in silence
I often speak your name
All I have are memories
and your picture in a frame.

Your memory is my keepsake
with which I’ll never part
God has you in His keeping
I have you in my heart.