So much...

I'm trying with huge pushes from family to get things done about my dads estate I guess it's called. Which he didn't own much. So it's not really an estate. But I guess that's what they call it. Either way that's neither here nor there. Anyways everyone wants me to get things done now, quit waiting. But I can't, because if I do then I have to accept that he is really gone. And I don't think I can ever accept that. But I know I have to. But I have no idea what to do and it's hard to do all the calling and everything when you can barely speak about it without wanting to crawl into a hole. My dad did not have a will or anything, like many people. So from what I've managed to google is just ridiculous to find out about. My husband called the probate court yesterday to did out what I should do and they were USELESS! I just wanted to get this out. How I am supposed to do everything when I don't even want to be alive? I don't want to live on a world where my dad isn't in it. I'm hurting very badly. I just want to run away, seriously. Just get away from it all. I can't handle this. I know I have to, but I feel like I'm About to break into pieces. Luckily my aunt Kaye and husband are willing to help me with calls and such. Otherwise I don't know what id do.

I know we all go through losing a parent at one point in our life. But I'm only 28, I should have had my dad for more time! I don't feel like it was his time like some people say. It makes no sense. He was so young spirited, he was in good physical shape. I was supposed to have him longer! He was supposed to see his grandchildren one day. He was supposed to see me succeed at SOMETHING in my life. He had so many more stories to tell. So many things I could have asked him. It just isn't right!!

I can't even close my eyes to sleep without seeing him lying there when I found him. & that's another thing the pushing to get in the house and start throwing stuff away. I don't know how I will. I just need some time. Everytime my husband goes there to check on things and drop the dog off. As soon as he opens the door and I see it from the car I get chest pains, racing heartbeat, can't breathe. Same happens at home when I start thinking about how he's never coming back. But when I try to sleep the image is in my head, then the why's what if's, guilt, regret, etc sets in. I blame myself for what happened. I should have done more to make him go to the ER . I can't get over it. The whys the what ifs they haunt me all day and all night long.. &

I have moments when I feel like things will be ok I will finish my classes and go on for my dad because that's what he would want. But then this wave crashes over me and I realize wtf does it even matter if he's not here to see it? To support me? Then the nothing matters without my dad here sets in. So it just goes back and forth. I feel like I'm Here but I'm not here. This all still doesn't seem real. It all still seems like a bad dream. It's been 3 weeks today since I last talked to my dad. & tomorrow will be 3 weeks since I found him. I just sit around and stare. Or keep my brain occupied with games on my phone and watching TV. But then when a silent moment comes I can't handle it!! This isn't right.

Alright I'm going to go. I miss you so much dad, I don't know how I'm going to go on. I just don't know.

Thanks for anyone who read this. I don't even know If it made any sense but I just needed to get some stuff out. Thanks.

Krystal